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Evergreen
Yak Addict
960 Posts |
 Posted - 01/04/2002 : 10:54:22 AM
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I have a request.... Somebody please tell me a story or a joke or a one liner or anything to cheer me up. I'll spare you the details as to why I feel this way but I'd sure love to pop back on this board later and be laughing so hard I forget about all of it. Everyone here has such a great sense of humor and are so good at making me laugh laugh laugh!
I'll even trade laughs for Pearl Jam bootlegs(seems to be a lot of talk about PJ) and I have lots and lots and they're all really jamming. I also have lots of other bands doing live stuff too. Crankin tunes to the funniest posters.
I'd even settle for Xar describing his last date and sexual encounter.
Thanx in advance cause I know there are some things I can count on.
EVERGREEN 143  |
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Saint Jude
Alien Abductee
USA
2144 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2002 : 1:54:16 PM
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Ok, seriously, is there any other kind of diarrhea then explosive diarrhea? I mean, how often do you hear someone going, 'o that was a lovley bit of diarrhea i had there then.' Seriously.
These one liners come courtosy of the sifl and olly show.
Hey baby, did NASA make your skirt? Cuz' your ass is out of this world.
Hey baby, everything i'm about to do to you i learned at Sea World.
Hey baby, if good looks was doggy dootie, then you'd be the shit.
and chester -
Hey baby, i got some cereal in my pocket, like... heh... do those hurt? do they hurt? ... swaying all about... heh..
Patriotism is a maggot in their heads. - Henry D. Thoreau |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2002 : 3:12:06 PM
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Hey girl, sorry you are having a bad day. I don't Think I can top the big blast of hot tool puke comment, but I will give a whole hearted attempt.
Snappy things to say to "special" co-workers:
Obviouly you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'll give you a nice shiny quarter if you'll go away.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I'm visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Expressions for women on high stress days:
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?
Earth is full, go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set a lazer printer to stun?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Weiners come in packs of 10,
buns in packs of 8,
beer in packs of 6,
condoms in packs of 3.
Why can't they get it straight?
Men need a calculator just to have a weekend!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
T shirts for assertive women:
I'm busy. Your ugly. Have a nice day.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
I'm out of estrogen, and I have a gun. ( One of my favs)
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
I hope that gave you a little chuckle!!!! Dizzy Lizzy!!!!
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Isaac
Chatterbox
USA
461 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2002 : 3:20:24 PM
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My scanner is broke otherwise I'd post a picture of my penis, that usually gets the ladies rollin' in the aisles.
3----------------------->
Isaac |
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Xar666
Yak Addict
USA
546 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2002 : 4:34:21 PM
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| hey now |
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tericee
Alien Abductee
USA
2579 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2002 : 4:42:01 PM
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I'm expecting the Onion page-a-day calendar to come in from Amazon any day now. It will be great to start each day with one of their wacky stories.
I know that wasn't funny, Evergreen, but I hope by this time you're feeling a little better. If not, try re-reading the thread about raining Mac & Cheese.
http://www.honolulumarathon.org (I ran under that sign!) |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2002 : 5:51:59 PM
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I've got a funny little story. I took my little one ( she's 8 years old ) to spend her xmas money. We were in Walmart, by the way I hate that store. She wanted some DVD's. Soooo, she says I want some Jim Carey movies. Then all of a sudden she says, how about Waynes World. The store was busy with people all over the place, and she says, " IF YOU GOTTA SPEW....SPEW INTO THIS!!" The people were cracking up! She even sounded like Garth! What a hoot!!
Hey Isaac, did you see my earlier post? I'm telling ya, that little sword swinging guy is gonna wack your weenie!!!! |
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2002 : 02:52:14 AM
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Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2002 : 04:04:56 AM
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Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
What the difference between a doctor and a duck?
One's a sick duck and I don't remember the rest but your mother's a whore!
Here's some Simpsons quotes (they're always good)
Feeling stupid? I know I am!
You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!
Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentelman's Club...where we were discussing Witgenstein over a game of Backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, It's a felony to lie to the FBI
Homer: We were sitting in the back of Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
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enthuTIMsiast
Alien Abductee
6990 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2002 : 2:02:23 PM
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quote:
What the difference between a doctor and a duck?
One's a sick duck and I don't remember the rest but your mother's a whore!
I've heard that one before and I still laughed out loud.
Ha.
-Jason-
I am a servant of the power behind the nothing. |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2002 : 3:59:48 PM
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It's from Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL. Sean Connery says it to Trebek. I also like the one where he says "Suck it Trebek. Suck it long. And suck it hard."
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2002 : 4:19:28 PM
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Sean: "I pose a riddle for you, a cunundrum if you will..."
Alex: "I DON'T want to hear it"
Sean: "What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cough? One's a sick duck... and I forget the rest but your mother is a whore"
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2002 : 4:23:09 PM
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I found this in the trash at my desk.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the comupter industry with the auto industry and stated that: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car you die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car98" or "Car NT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would work on only 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish my 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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Evergreen
Yak Addict
960 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2002 : 09:59:31 AM
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Thanx everybody!!!!!!
I'm laughing....it's medicine and I feel better.
E-mail me if anyone wants tunes.
You're all awesome!
EVERGREEN 143 |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2002 : 05:34:30 AM
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Warranty Registration Card
This was allegedly posted VERY BRIEFLY on the
McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who
obviously had a sense of humor. The company, of
course, does not have a sense of humor and made the
web department take it down immediately (for once, the
'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too)
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglass military
aircraft. In order to protect your new investment,
please take a few moments to fill out the warranty
registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will
help us develop new products that best meet your needs
and desires.
1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] LT
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name:....................
Initial:.....
Last Name:.....................
Password:.......... (max 8 char)
Code Name:.....................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Yr/Month/Date) 19/20../..../....
4. Serial Number:..................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as a gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / Showroom
[_] Independent Arms Broker
[_] Mail Order Store
[_] Discount Store
[_] Government Surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the
McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard a loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by a friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most
influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell
Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product
will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft Carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World Countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products you currently own or
intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your
organization? (Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
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[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
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11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas
product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal Check
[_] Credit Card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's Check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / Marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle Management
[_] Eccentric Billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please
indicate the interest and activities in which you and
your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / Sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / Jogging
[_] Destabilization / Overthrow
[_] Default on Loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black Market / Smuggling
[_] Collectibles / Collections
[_] Watching Sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / Torture
[_] Household Pets
[_] Crushing Rebellions
[_] Espionage / Reconnaissance
[_] Fashion Clothing
[_] Border Disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this
questinanaire. Your answers will be used in market
studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other
companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to
this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new
F-177A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
McDonnell Douglas Corporation
Marketing Department, Military
Aerospace Division
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the
individual addressee(s) name above and may contain
information that is confidential, privileged or
unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational regligious
beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any
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Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy          |
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Black Lotus
Fluffy-Esque
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
1043 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2002 : 10:25:38 AM
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I absolutely love the warning at the end .. that is now my official email signature :)
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I'm wearing 'push-up' undies. |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2002 : 10:30:12 AM
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That whole thing may be one of the funniest things I have ever read. I could not stop laughing. Xar with his govt background should really get a kick out of it.
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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dirtysloth
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1302 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2002 : 4:37:26 PM
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Yeah, definitely ROTFLMAO on this one. Loved the answer "Heard loud noise, looked up". Whoever came up with this is absolutely brilliant.
Peace,
Patrick
http://members.tripod.com/one4tim/index.htm |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2002 : 05:31:03 AM
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I can't pick a favorite part, It took me like 30 minutes to read it the first time because I couldn't stop laughing. Hard to read when your eyes are tearing up.
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Help a girl out
