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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
 Posted - 07/18/2002 : 5:02:55 PM
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Sorry if they have already been posted elsewhere, but I haven't been around in a while, as you know. ENJOY!!
Subject: Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
His selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird got the worm and that life is NOT always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, NOT the kids) and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression and the Technological Revolution, Commom Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the "if-it-only-helps-one-person-it's worth it" virus.
In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of wellintentioned, but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted to get an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic, but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low-flow toilets, rocking chairs and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
---------Obituary author
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy          |
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Saint Jude
Alien Abductee
USA
2144 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2002 : 5:08:37 PM
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that is pretty funny.... makes me realize how much i hate people.
- Without you, without you everything falls apart
Without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces.
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2002 : 5:09:14 PM
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Might be from The Onion, I am not sure of the source.
REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
San Antonio, Texas (Reuters) Unwilling to wait for their eventual
indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a
break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.
By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's
population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
under-performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!',they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a
common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by
disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski Of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.
"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for
marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds nice texture to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into
Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a bookable sales event."
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2002 : 5:11:24 PM
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StJude said:quote:
that is pretty funny.... makes me realize how much i hate people.
And WHY I hate people, they have no COMMON SENSE anymore!
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2002 : 8:54:23 PM
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Ahhhhhh.....always that satifying feeling that everyone you know is going to hell.
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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dan p.
Alien Abductee
Uganda
3776 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2002 : 9:31:08 PM
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makes me feel good about myself.
get in the car, little girl. |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2002 : 12:24:38 AM
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Here is another FUN one that encompasses the whole "I HATE PEOPLE" "Send them to hell" sentiment.(Well at least they burn, HEHE)
ENJOY!!!
www.bossmonster.com/games/antcity.html
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2002 : 11:13:47 AM
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I love that game.
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2002 : 12:57:52 PM
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I couldn't stop giggling. There was definitely some kind of cathatic pleasure in playing that game. Did you get to the semi truck? WhoooHOOO!!!
Main Entry: [1]ca·thar·tic
Pronunciation: k&-'thär-tik
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin or Greek; Late Latin catharticus, from Greek kathartikos, from kathairein
Date: 1612
: of, relating to, or producing catharsis
Main Entry: ca·thar·sis
Pronunciation: k&-'thär-s&s
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural ca·thar·ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos
Date: circa 1775
1 : PURGATION
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2002 : 7:53:46 PM
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At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are each thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
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Don't look down.
Peace & Keep the Faith
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2002 : 8:42:22 PM
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LOL! I laugh everytime I read that!!!
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2002 : 9:05:10 PM
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Ironically, I think it is doubly funny that you have to LOOK DOWN(or scroll down) to find the answer. That makes it even funnier!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Jay
Alien Abductee
Vatican City
2279 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2002 : 9:18:09 PM
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Very good joke!
Jay
" It's a scavenger hunt in the best of times, a one armed man with a box of dimes. Throw the stick and let the bulldog roll." KJP |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2002 : 9:51:27 PM
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Hahahahahahaha!!!! Hilarious!
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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Arthen
Alien Abductee
USA
4845 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2002 : 11:00:11 PM
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HA HA HA! That was great Fluffy!
"Don't drink the pickle juice from the pickle jar, until all the pickles are gone."
-Son of a Boss
Arthenc@hotmail.com
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2002 : 10:32:01 PM
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Unfornately, I can't take credit for it, it was emailed to me. It is really funny though. I sure got a kick out of it. Glad everyone liked it. I love to share the wealth.
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Arthen
Alien Abductee
USA
4845 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2002 : 02:20:10 AM
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Well, thanks for sharing it with everyone. That's what I'm doing with my new neighbors and Tim. They play guitar and so I said listen to this guy. Their mouths dropped to the ground. I'm like, yup. That's Tim FUCKING Reynolds man. His hands, unbelieveably quick.
"Don't drink the pickle juice from the pickle jar, until all the pickles are gone."
-Son of a Boss
Arthenc@hotmail.com
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 09/02/2002 : 8:40:43 PM
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TR is definitely more fun to share than that joke. The joke is just good for a quick chortle, TR is for LIFE!!!
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2005 : 7:04:02 PM
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| TTT for the new folks!! |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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These are pretty FUNNY!!
