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Black Lotus
Fluffy-Esque
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
1043 Posts |
 Posted - 12/03/2001 : 1:08:29 PM
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Here's my favorite ...
Two aliens are flying through the galaxy when then suddenly find themselves being shot at! Evasive maneuvers fail, and they take a hit to the rear of the space craft. This sends them zipping across the galaxy, all out of control and shit.
Eventually, they crash land on Eart ... in a corn field, somewhere in Idaho (perhaps). So, they hop out of their super stellar space mobile and decide to see if anyone is around that can help them.
They walk about 10 feet through the corn field and get to a road, about 200 yards up the road is a gas station (mind you, it's 3AM and that place is closed).
The aliens look at each other and one says, "Look a runway and a radio tower. We're saved!!" So, they head over toward the gas station.
The first alien (Mr. Badass Himself) walks up to a gas pump and says, "Hey man, where are we at and can I use a inter glactic transponder unit?" The gas pump doesn't answer.
Mr. Badass gets a bit upset at the gas pump's bligerence, "Look man, you better tell me where we're at ... stop ignoring me and SPEAK!!"
The other alien (Mr. Cautious Type) says, "Hey, lets go somewhere else, lets not mess with this guy. OK?"
"No way," Badass says, "I'm getting an answer. So look here buddy, I'm going to count to three," pulls out his plazma blaster, "and if you don't tell me where we are and let me use a transmponder, I'll blast your ass."
Mr. Cautious chimes in, "Look, leave him alone ... he's a bad mother f-cker and you don't want to blast him! C'mon man, we can find another space port!"
"No way ... 1 ..... 2 ....."
"Stop, please don't shoot this guy! He's a bad dude, trust me, lets just go!!!"
"3 ....", ka-pow!!!!! As the badass alien shoots the gas pump, the gas station explodes and shoots the two aliens clear back across the corn field and onto their space ship.
In a singed daze, "How did you know that guy was such a bad mother f-cker?" Said the badass alien.
"Well, anyone that has their dick wrapped around them twice and stuck in their ear is a bad mother f-cker!"
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Post Whore |
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Erich with an h
Yak Addict
USA
853 Posts |
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2001 : 7:30:22 PM
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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of
the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the
guy in front said, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass,
but you'd better brace yourself."
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2001 : 7:54:42 PM
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two brothers, ages 5 and 6 decided that each of them should have a swear word for the day. the six year old said he would have "shit" and the five year old would have "ass". they agree and sit at the breakfast table. their mom comes in and asks what they want for breakfast. the six year old says "ohhh...umm....what the shit, give me Cherrios." the mom slaps the kid across the face and knocks him off his chair. she then leans over and yells "and what do you want?!" the five year old replies "you bet your ass it's not gonna be Cherrios."
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2001 : 8:02:48 PM
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A Pirate walks into a bar with the steering wheel to his ship on his dick, finally after a while the bartender asks, "whats with the the steering wheel?" The Pirate replies (in a pirate voice) "ARRRR I Dunno, But it's drivin' mi nuts"
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Isaac
Chatterbox
USA
461 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 10:52:13 AM
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I'm gonna murder this one but i'll try it anyway...
Okay this farmer is curious how to get all his sheep to have babies, so he goes and asks a professional what he needs to do. The guy says "well, if you really want them to have babies here's what ya gotta do. Ya load them all up into your truck and take them out into the middle of the woods. When you get there ya gotta fuck them all one by one. Do this a couple times and they'll definatly all get pregnant" The farmer says okay and on his way out he asks the guy "how will I know when they're pregnant?"
"well, when you wake up in the morning they'll all be laying down in the grass"
So the man does what he's told and loads the sheep up on his truck, takes all the sheep out into the woods and fucks them all. By the time he gets back he's soo completely exausted that he climbs into bed and falls asleep instantly. The next morning when he wakes up still too tired to even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife "honey are the sheep laying down on the grass?" after a few seconds his wife shouts back "no honey they're all standing on the truck and one is honking the horn!"
Isaac
"And when King Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer" |
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Isaac
Chatterbox
USA
461 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 10:53:42 AM
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Q. Where do Pollock's keep their Armies?
A. In their Sleevies!
HAHAHAHAHA eh heh *sigh*
Isaac
"And when King Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer" |
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Jay
Alien Abductee
Vatican City
2279 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 4:05:51 PM
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A guy sits in a bar next to three guys and says to the first one, " YOu want to hear a dumb Pollack joke?"
the man says
" Listen buddy, im polish, and i work out three times a wekk, the guy next to me are polish, too...this one works out five days a week, and the guy next to him won a muscle man contest...now are you sure you want to tell us this Dumb Pollack joke?"
The guy smiles and says, " Na."
" Why not, scared we'll beat you up?"
"NO, I just don't want to have to explain it three times..."
Jay
Have you ever been eating pistachios, and you get a real rotten one? That is the nastiest tasting thing on this planet, let me tell you what..
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Black Lotus
Fluffy-Esque
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
1043 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 4:25:29 PM
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The Little Rascals are in spelling class and the teacher calls on Buckwheat to spell dictate. Buckwheat stands up and says, "Dictate, d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
"Very good," the teacher says, "Now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat turns to Darla and says, "Yo, Darla. How my dictate?"
aaaaahhehehehehehehe .. i kill me.
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 4:44:23 PM
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Anyone else like Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners? Man I think that man is halarious. Here are a few I can think of off the top of my head:
"boy I'll tell ya, at my age, a threeome is when I jackoff with both hands"
"Man, I'm so ugly, i went to the proctologist and the doctor stuck his finger in my mouth"
"One time I was with a hooker, I dropped my pants, she dropped her price"
"My wife likes to talk during sex, last night she called me from the hotel room"
"I told my boy to respect me, I said, son, one day you might have kids of your own, he said, maybe you will too"
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 5:20:55 PM
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice, and she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
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Black Lotus
Fluffy-Esque
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
1043 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 11:25:41 PM
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The granddaddy of them all .....
Pull my finger.
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2001 : 11:48:42 PM
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There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck... "
And the farmer shot him.
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Isaac
Chatterbox
USA
461 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2001 : 09:51:17 AM
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*slaps forehead* ULLLLLGGGGHHHH! Thats BAD!
Isaac
"And when King Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer" |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2001 : 08:41:15 AM
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A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day she brought in rolls of lifesavers of all flavors.
"Children," she announced, passing out the lifesavers. I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these and tell me what flavor they are. The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, when the teacher gave them honey-flavored, every one of the kids was stumped.
I'll give you a hint, said the teacher. It's something your daddy and mommy call each other all the time. Instantly one of the kids nearly gagged and hollered, Spit'em out, they're assholes!! |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2001 : 08:57:31 AM
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A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling the need to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. Yep, he said, just what I thought, just about the same size.
The wife got very mad and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She didn't speak to him the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?" |
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2001 : 3:31:16 PM
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here is one I just got in an email, It got a good laugh outta me.
Top 10 things that men know about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts
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enthuTIMsiast
Alien Abductee
6990 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2001 : 02:32:15 AM
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Yeah man I can dig it..
What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle your anus searching for Clingons.
-Jason-
I am a servant of the power behind the nothing. |
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enthuTIMsiast
Alien Abductee
6990 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2001 : 02:32:44 AM
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What does an old woman smell like?
Depends....
-Jason-
I am a servant of the power behind the nothing. |
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Black Lotus
Fluffy-Esque
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
1043 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2001 : 09:23:21 AM
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How can you tell when an old woman farts?
Her ankles swell up.
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"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those that falseley believe they are free."
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Isaac
Chatterbox
USA
461 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2001 : 10:58:31 AM
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I'll buture another joke that I can barely remember:
One day this little boy wakes up a few hours after he was put to bed and he goes into his parents room to ask them for a drink of water. Well he walks to see his parents having sex.
Well they notice the little boy immediatly and his mom jumps off her husband and runs over to the boy and takes him out into the hall. Of course the boy is confused and asks his mom what they were doing. She tells him "well son, see your father is getting kinda fat, so everynight I jump up and down on his stomach" to which the little boy responsd "You know why that doesn't work? Because everyday after you go to work the neighbor lady comes over and blows him back up!"
VIVA BAD JOKES!
Isaac
"And when King Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer" |
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Jokes anyone?
