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Jay
Alien Abductee
Vatican City
2279 Posts |
 Posted - 03/23/2004 : 9:37:57 PM
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I'm also faced with the fact that no one can spell my last name. It also goes without saying that no one can PRONOUNCE my last name. It is W-I-E-G-A-N-D. We-ghind. Not Whygand, or weegard, or wiggin...Good God man.
And so I had to present this English project today, it was on the Blues. And, as you all can tell, my imagination runs wild. I can't speak sometimes. So today I was thinking about...somebody told me this story, that they know somebody who once tried to iron her clothes while she was still wearing them...And all I had running through my head while trying to describe the living conditions on the Delta was, "She still has the scar...."
There's one hell of a mouse in the garage, I'll tell ya. I saw the bastard this morning, scurrying across the floor like a little bacteria-infested bottle rocket. Well, if eight or ten inches is little...That thing's a RAT.
Somebody asked me one time what I wanted to be when I grow up. I said, "I don't know, I had all of my dreams and aspirations surgically removed...I keep them in a jar in the basement." I think Tom Waits said that, he has said everything. This of course illicited a strange look of disaproval. But like I said in my last rant, I'm used to being dissaproved. I've become more eccentric, I mean, only other people can tell me if I'm eccentric or not. And they HAVE told me I'm eccentric.
My friend Heather asked me to go record a bunch of Jewish people playing music on Friday. I mean, I have nothing against Jewish folks, but still the thought of what it's gonna be like is keeping me up laughing. It'll probably be a blow-off, I mean...I'm probably gonna end up making a half-assed recording because I'm either too stoned or too not-stoned. It's not good when you reach that point, when you're too "not-stoned." It's possible, though. It's not that I am craving the green, it's that the prevailing circumstances make me want to be high so that I can pretend to understand Hebrew. Not that they'll be speaking Hebrew, but they MIGHT be. But to be high with her, at least in a damn temple, would be horribly irresponsible and I would never do that. Unless the Rabbi...ah fuck it...I have once again confused myself beyond recovery. FUBAR. The Statue of Liberty...is...KAPUT! I feel bad for what I do sometimes, I feel as if I can provide nothing of value. I feel selfish.
I don't like calling people on the phone, because I always seem to call when they are arguing with parents or something...Ever been to a friend's house when their parents get pissed at them and you just kinda have to stand there and feel like a jackass? Sort of the same feeling you get when you're walking around at a fair or something and they're playing some god damn Garth Brooks song or some other highly embarassing racket really loud, and you just feel like a jackass...And then you see somebody you know, and you gotta pretend like you didn't notice them and pray to god that they didn't see you...You try to hide behind the white-red-alluminum-yellow blinking light sausage stand, or in a cloud of horse-shit smelling dust, or behind a tractor in a wooden crate wrapped up in plastic...It's not that you don't want to see them, it's that you feel like a jackass and do not want to appear to be having a good time.
Or, have you ever noticed a stench following you all day? Then, in extreme despiration, you begin to contort yourself in order to sniff your body parts in search of said ellusive stench. You can't find it of course, but it's there. It's like a moth or something...It flutters up your nostrils for a split second, just long enough for you to notice its unpleasant presence, then dissolves into the force-air atmosphere. It smelled like vodka right in the door-arch today in the librarian's office. I found a spool of red ribbon in her drawer and liberated it. I'm gonna build a Buddha with it.
Reminds me of the time I went into Toys R Us with that girl that wants me to record on friday. Me, long, black curly hair...Wearing a trenchcoat, walking like a lumberjack, and this little girl...We go back to the "creative" portion of the store, and proceed to grab about nine four-packs of playdough. Walking through the checkout, the lady looks at us (disaproovingly) and says, "what are you gonna do with all this playdough?"
ME (Thinking): Oh shit...
HEATHER: Uh, I'm gonna build....a...statue...
CHECKOUT LADY: Of what?
ME (THINKING): Something fuckin smells like garlic up in here....
HEATHER:...a...giraffe?
CHECKOUT LADY: ...be one goofy lookin giraffe...
ME (THINKING): giraffes? Maybe my coat stinks...
Then of course the shameful exit of Toys R Us followed. I always feel like a jackass purchasing things. Especially if a parental unit, who still beleives that I don't understand the concept of money, stand over my shoulder and says, "Give her the twenty, Jay..." I once purchased a Bob Dylan CD, a Ween CD, and a Dr. Seuss book at the same time. There's a spread for ya.
"...she still has the scar..." |
"Hey man...you smell..."
"Oh yeah?"
"yeah...like dinner..." |
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Zachmozach
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1534 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2004 : 11:09:52 PM
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| Jay you might consider writing as I enjoy reading almost all your posts. If I had some sort of paper or journal I'd definatly pay you to write in it. I just like how you just throw down random thoughts and stuff and then it's always in a sort of pissed of depressive manner that... well actually kind of makes me feel better. I don't know but keep posting. |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2004 : 06:59:37 AM
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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!
What a great read! A great way to start my day, actually I should probably just go to bed now and wait for tomorrow to come as nothing today will top this! But at least I am starting the day with a huge smile on my face.
BTW I agree 100% with what Zack said! Thanks again Jay! |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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Jay
Alien Abductee
Vatican City
2279 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2004 : 3:24:39 PM
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| Thanks for the comments guys...I really appreciated it a lot. Today was a great day until I got home and discovered my room had been ransacked by my parents. They aren't home, but when they get here I'm in trouble...Really sucks, ya know? I had promises to keep...Probably gonna get in some huge ass trouble. But this mad eme feel a whole lot better, so thanks tons... |
"Hey man...you smell..."
"Oh yeah?"
"yeah...like dinner..." |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2004 : 5:15:53 PM
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Jay, I hope things went ok at home. Sounds like you knew what they were looking for. I just still find it weird to think of ramsacking my kids rooms. I guess they have never given me a reason to. I don't know what you were hiding or what you will be in trouble for but gosh, you are such a wonderful person you couldn't have done anything that bad!
Email me if you get TIMe. |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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Evergreen
Yak Addict
960 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2004 : 11:33:53 AM
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I love your rants Jay! Ditto on what Zach said.
Searched your ROOM?? Oh that IS bad news! I have bad memories of that stuff happening with my parents. In fact, it was such a trauma, I still hide my "secret stuff" around my house and I live alone!! Go figure. Whichever way you slice it....its not cool! My suggestion is you buy the biggest dildo you can find and hide it under your bed (they always look under the bed). That should take the focus off "other things".  |
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Jay
Alien Abductee
Vatican City
2279 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2004 : 3:49:36 PM
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Yeah, If I had a dildo under my bed...well, they'd probably be very confused...Ah Evergreen, what would I do without you? Of course, I had a gnome-hooka under my bed for a while. My parents never searched my room until recently, and I'm really confused as to why...
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"Hey man...you smell..."
"Oh yeah?"
"yeah...like dinner..." |
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Evergreen
Yak Addict
960 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2004 : 11:28:47 AM
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Ah Evergreen, what would I do without you?
I heard they are looking for a new "Dear Abby", you could send them my name as a recommendation! I'm not sure they would publish me in the newspapers with all this censoring going on lately. But couldn't you just see it........
Dear evergreen,
My relationship with my boyfriend seems to be getting more and more distant. We used to spend so much time together and now he's never around anymore. He says hes working, but I'm nervous and don't feel pretty anymore. we only have physical relations once a year. Can you help me get my man back. signed Deprived
Dear Deprived,
Hunny go out and get yourself the biggest dildo you can find, give it a name, change the locks on your door and go crazy. After a few hours, you will have forgotten all about "Mr. Not So Satisfying After All".
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Karl takes a Ride
