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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
 Posted - 02/01/2003 : 10:43:18 PM
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Ok, here's the deal. My son comes home from college yesterday for the weekend. Today he tells me that he and a couple of his friends are planning a road trip to California this summer. We live outside of Philadelphia PA.
Inside I am thinking, oh god no! My baby all the way across the country! (He is going to be 19 in July.)
Then I thought, shoot, I was 17 when I went to Europe. I flew from Zurich to Madrid by myself. I had stayed with friends in Zurich but I was just dropped off at the airport. I had to find my plane by myself and I didn't speak the language. I was also on my own a lot in Madrid.
I told my kids to seize opportunity, to be adventurous, to live life. Now that he is taking my advice I find myself wanting to reconsider what I said,hehe.
They are all smart kids and they have common sense too. (someTIMes that is more important).
They are working to save the money to go so it isn't my expense.
I told him if he can save enough money than he can go. I know he isn't a baby, he could even be drafted into the army if it comes to that. So why am I so uneasy about this????
I sure would like to hear what everyone else thinks. |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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Erich
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1427 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2003 : 11:01:37 PM
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im not too much older than your son, im going to be 22 in july. I know 18 and 21 are almost a generation gap i the eyes of sociaty, but when it comes to mothers you'll always worry... My point, my mom told me the same thing you told your son when i told her i was going to hop a bus 13 hours to Detroit to see Tim. didnt know who id stay with, didnt know what i was going to do, I just knew i had a wad of cash and the want to do so and she was cool with that. But on the same token, I called her and my grandmother every day, telling them i got to the next state or city ok, and that everything was fine.
If you brought up your son the way you mentioned, id have no worries that hed do the same and call you just to let you know hes cool and everythings doing alright. If you keep that communication going, him going to cali by himself isnt going to be too big a deal. And honestly, I think you'd be doing much worse to say no than to say yes, cause we can all attest that with hormons comes the need for OUT and if you dont get that every once in a while you burst. Nothing more unpleasent than an 18-21 year old flipping out  .
enjoy the time youve got, too. :) |
~pw'oikr
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Miss Sorrel
Yak Addict
593 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2003 : 02:05:49 AM
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| I am so far from understanding the feeling that a mother has for her child... but again, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. I am very close with both of my parents, although my mother was sometimes too lenient, while my father was overly strict. (They're divorced). When I first started to take my adventures, my mother always got phone calls, numbers of where I was staying, and knew who I was with, and always looked forward to seeing pictures and hearing stories.... My father thought that I was at my mother's. Not until this past year, did my father realized that he is missing out on a very significant part of my life. Point is, us kids are going to grow up. My father had to accept that his little girl couldn't just be locked in a closet somewhere (although, I think he would arrange that if possible)... so now he enjoys my life with me, and not against me. i really wish he could have accepted it sooner though, our relationship could have been better for several tough years. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your family, and are doing all the right things. By giving your son certain liberties, it can allow him to trust and be honest with you (I regret how much I had to lie to my father), allowing him to travel safer.... and if something does happen... he can always call home! |
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Erich
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1427 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2003 : 03:28:31 AM
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| Also, just to add to what Miss Sorrel said, because my mom is very understanding about my needs to go out and do things and always let me for the most part, it allows me to trust her intuition when she says she feels its not a good idea to go somewhere. This is something that I dont see in other families too often but I feel its an important aspect for good communication. This allows for me to be completely able to go out and have fun and also allows my mom the leverage to directly influence how i percieve what i want to do, ie. if she thinks im being slightly rash about something. Im more likely to listen to her because she tells me "best to let this trip go so that you can work on doing this for the trip after" instead of "no". |
~pw'oikr
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2003 : 3:12:30 PM
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| For me it really comes down to "do you think you have raised him well and to act responsibly?". If the answer to this is yes, you should have nothing to fear. I moved out of my parents house in 9th grade and moved from Utah to CA at that TIMe. I was a very independent spirit and I think having that trust and responsibility allowed me, made me a much more responsible individual. I love my parents and wouldn't want to let them down, so when I had the freedom to move and they let me, all I could think about was "don't let them down or be able to say, SEE I TOLD YA SO!". It worked out great for me and the experience I had not had to pass up only made me love my parents more for giving me the chance and the trust. Had they forbid me, I probably would have harbored some resentment. I think this kind of resentment is what pushes kids into doing irresponsible things without thinking about the consequences. They always hear, you can't do that, so of course what are they going to want to do. Exactly what they aren't supposed to. If you feel you have raised him well, as I am sure you have, give him the trust that comes with cutting the apron strings. I think it will serve your relationship with him much better than NO's at a TIMe in his life when he probably feels he is an adult and can make his own decisions regardless of your feelings. These are kind of situations that cause kids to lie to their parents instead of helping them to realize they can trust their parents and let them know what they are doing, where they are going and basically what is going on in their lives and their heads. They begin to see you as friend and not "the enemy" they have to get around. You probably know alot of this having been a mother for a while now, but I am trying to give you the kids perspective as I have been there and know how my parents trust impacting my relationship with them so postively, while it was just the opposite for so many of my friends. NO NO NO was all my friends heard and they were always getting into drugs, partying and getting into trouble or just plain lying about what they were doing, who they were doing it with and where they were going. Communication and trust, keys to a great relationship. YOU have to cut the strings someTIMe or the worst case scenario is THEY will cut the strings and you won't know about it. |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy         
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2003 : 3:38:07 PM
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Thanks Erich, MissSorrel, and Fluffy
I already told him he could go for the same reasons you all stated.
My kids have never had a curfew. When my daughter was a Sr. in High School I used to allow her to go to St Jacques, a bar in Philly, to hear Jazz with her boyfriend. I knew she wouldn't get home until after 1:ooam and I also knew if anything happened to her I would hear about it from all the "good" moms at school who had set curfews. Most of the TIMe she made it into school on TIMe the next day....some days she didn't but she gained more from the experience than she would have in school.
So yes, Fluffy, I raised my kids on trust and freedom. They are great kids. This doesn't make me any less worried, but if I had the chance to do a California road trip I'd do it. Worry is part of being a mom. All I can say is thank god for cell phones!
Many thanks. I was just wondering if there was something I didn't think of that would change my mind. I wasn't exactly prepared when the topic came up and I just looked at him and said "Go for it." Afterwards was when the worrying set in. I feel better about it now, thanks!!!! |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2003 : 4:09:40 PM
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| That's good, sounds like you have a pretty level-head on your shoulders about the situation. When I did finally move back in with my parents, they never instituted a curfew on me, instead they gave me the freedom to go to concerts on school nites and all they said was that if I missed school, I would lose the ability to see shows on school nites. I think this helped me to be more responsible as well. It put the burden squarely on my shoulders, that my actions dictated my freedom. It worked for me very well. I got to see shows and I always made it to school even after the AC/DC concert in Baltimore. HEHE I only had one hour of sleep that nite, but I made it to school so I wouldn't lose my freedom to see shows on school nites. I think I mentioned my english teacher Miss Taylor somewhere else. She was really kewl. I had her 2nd period and she saw the state I was in and asked what happened, I told her the whole sordid tale and much to the shegrin of the other students, she let me put my head down on the desk and sleep thru class that day. I tell you, prove you are responsible and people really will go out of their way to help you out. |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Is It TIMe to cut the Apron Strings?????
