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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
 Posted - 02/24/2003 : 04:27:59 AM
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From an anonymous donor:
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat
a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your Dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.
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Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy         
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2003 : 06:48:43 AM
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LOL these were great! (Is that because some are true? hummm not saying which ones though, hehe) Great way to start an otherwise LONG week!!! Thanks! |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2003 : 07:57:42 AM
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I looked at this topic, and I was surprised that I didn't submit my favorite joke.
One moring, two brothers, ages 5 and 6, decide that it's high TIMe they start swearing. The 6 year old says, "OK. Your word for today will be fuck, and mine will be ass." The 5 year old agrees. So they go down to the table and sit down. Then their mother comes in and asks them what they want for breakfast. The 5 year old thinks for a minute and says, "Ahhhhhh....what the fuck, I'll have Cherrios." *SMACK!* The mom hits the kid who falls back off his chair and lands on the floor crying. She then turns to the 6 year old and screams, "And what are YOU gonna have?!" With a terrified look on his face, the 6 year old replies,
"You bet your ass it's not gonna be Cherrios." |
Gay marriage killed the dinosaurs. |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2003 : 3:17:55 PM
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| LOL that was great! hehe |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2003 : 7:47:57 PM
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Hey Fluffy did I send that to you? LOL! |
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2003 : 10:12:17 PM
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I couldn't believe I fell for this one... but the other day my girlfriend told me I had some "snew" on my shirt. I said.. "what's snew" and she replied.. "I DUNNO, WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU" 
Oh boy, I felt like such a dummy. |
god
Kevin |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2003 : 9:12:31 PM
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| Kev, did I miss something here? Glad to hear you have a new woman!! |
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2003 : 10:25:01 PM
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| Liz & Pam, there is indeed a new woman in my life, and let me just say I am a very lucky man! I'll try to post a picture sooner or later. She is a very sweet girl, and it is an interesting story... we actually used to work together and I had a crush on her but I never said anything because I didn't want it to be weird at work. But after I left that job she told me that she had a crush on me too, so I said "no kidding, me too" hehe. |
god
Kevin |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2003 : 10:38:07 PM
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| Kevin, that's soooo sweet!!!!!! You sure deserve someone wonderful!And that's no joke either, hehe |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2003 : 10:48:06 PM
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hehe, thanks Pam!
oh, and I forgot to mention how great the blowjob joke was, I've been telling everyone that one. |
god
Kevin |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2003 : 3:53:23 PM
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| I'm very happy for you Kevin! |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2003 : 06:06:58 AM
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Here's some new jokes I heard that are guaranteed to piss people off.
How do you make a black person nervous?
Bring him to an auction.
Why are Jews' noses so big?
Because air is free.
Why did only 4000 Mexicans attack the Alamo?
Because they only had 2 pickup trucks.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?
A good listener.
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Gay marriage killed the dinosaurs. |
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therippa
Fluffy-Esque
Kazakhstan
1099 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2003 : 12:14:04 PM
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So there's a hard working fella named Juan who lives in Mexico. He has a rich uncle who lives in LA that runs a successful landscaping business he started when he migrated years ago. He gives Juan a call one day and convinces him to move up to LA to work for him. Juan says goodbye to everyone and heads to LA. When he gets their he goes right to work and he works hard. Time goes by and Juan is his uncle's top foreman. It comes time for Juan's uncle to retire, so he calls Juan into his office and says, "Juan, you have been indespensible to me. You are a hard working man and deserve the best. I'm retiring and this is now all yours. I'm also giving you my house and my brand new Cadillac Escalade. Here are some plane tickets. Fly down to Mexico and get that girlfriend of yours that you left, bring her back to the states and marry her." So Juan does as his uncle says, goes and gets his girlfriend, and returns. When he comes back home he discovers his Escalade was stolen while he was gone. He calls the police and they come over to file a report. Once they are done, Juan asks, "Do you think they'll be any chance of recovering the vehicle, officer?" The cop replies, "No sir, that truck is surely already stripped and over the border."
Juan replies, "Fucking Canadians!" |
Aspiring to Be Fluffy-Esque an Alien Abductee! |
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tericee
Alien Abductee
USA
2579 Posts |
Posted - 04/07/2003 : 4:03:10 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by pcbTIM
Here's some new jokes I heard that are guaranteed to piss people off.
I hope you don't actually say those out loud... |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2003 : 07:11:13 AM
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| Only to everyone I see........wait a minute.....maybe that's why I've been getting beaten up so much lately.......note to self....stop telling racist and sexist jokes to complete strangers. |
Gay marriage killed the dinosaurs. |
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Miss Sorrel
Yak Addict
593 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2003 : 06:54:43 AM
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I just got this sent to me from a student in one of my Poli Sci courses...
Subject: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road??
Here are some famous people's responses to the age-old question:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one? |
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tericee
Alien Abductee
USA
2579 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2003 : 1:22:16 PM
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That was great, Sorrell!
Hopefully pcbTIM will start telling those and stop getting beat up. |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/11/2003 : 3:47:38 PM
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Sent to me from my DAD!
Subject: Hollywood Squares
Do you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics? These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are...but, in many cases, it won't really matter.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
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Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Miss Sorrel
Yak Addict
593 Posts |
Posted - 08/11/2003 : 11:35:25 PM
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Haha Fluffy! Those were great...
Ok, I don't have a joke... but I wanted to find someway to share this... Apparently my roommate's (Laura) dog Max likes to lick her legs after she puts lotion on, which no doubt, is a terrific site just as it is… But I just witnessed Laura, in her p.j.s and slippers, with a glass of wine, getting chased by her chihuahua who is trying his damnest to get a taste of her legs! Priceless… simply, priceless! |
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LoveToday
Chatterbox
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2003 : 09:52:10 AM
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A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is
a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt
and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what
about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park..."
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I childproof my home... and they still get in! |
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LoveToday
Chatterbox
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2003 : 09:53:43 AM
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I am blonde but this joke gets me every TIMe.
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods
around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and
told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you
like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll
need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been
listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all
the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her
husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
"I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I
put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."
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I childproof my home... and they still get in! |
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LoveToday
Chatterbox
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2003 : 09:55:20 AM
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and another...
A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
Husband: "Needs ironing!"
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I childproof my home... and they still get in! |
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LoveToday
Chatterbox
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2003 : 10:01:55 AM
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last one.. I promise
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
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I childproof my home... and they still get in! |
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victorwootenfan
Alien Abductee
USA
2128 Posts |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2003 : 12:43:50 AM
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Hey VWF, shouldn't that be....
2 guys walk into a bar, the 3rd ducks!
Hey LoveToday, todayIloved the porch/ferrari joke. I was LOL. I knew what the outcome had to be, but I just couldn't figure out where the whole PORCH thing was going. What a nice surprise when I got to the end. Maybe my anticipation and lack of ability to see the punchline coming added to it. Either way, I ROTFLMAO at that one. Can't wait to tell it, especially to by blond friends. hehe
From MissSorrel: quote:
Apparently my roommate's (Laura) dog Max likes to lick her legs after she puts lotion on, which no doubt, is a terrific site just as it is… But I just witnessed Laura, in her p.j.s and slippers, with a glass of wine, getting chased by her chihuahua who is trying his damnest to get a taste of her legs! Priceless… simply, priceless!
Not only does the dog like to lick her legs, but it sounds like you like to watch this bizarre fetish(Laura's or the dogs I'm not sure), or at least find much amusement in watching it. I am sure there must be a website for just such a perversion if you look hard enuf. HELL! There's a website for any perversion you can imagine. HEHE(and if there's not, maybe YOU should start one hehe "I'd buy THAT for a dollar!"
My meager offering:
Whats the difference between a trampoline and an accordian?
You have to take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!!!(I just love that joke) |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2003 : 02:59:31 AM
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Why do Banjo players leave their picks on the dashboard of their cars?
So they can park in the handicapped spaces! |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Arthen
Alien Abductee
USA
4845 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2003 : 03:23:22 AM
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Steve Hackett: "I'm my own opening act, you see."
Tim (before "Faceoff"): "Peace, love....and SEX!"
cbenc41@hotmail.com |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2003 : 06:23:02 AM
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OK, I know I mentioned "The Seven Deadly Motivational Posters" in another thread, but after looking thru this website I just had to post this to make sure everyone checks it out. There is some seriously funny stuff here:
http://www.dumbentia.com/galleryindex.html |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Jay
Alien Abductee
Vatican City
2279 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2003 : 12:06:11 PM
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Those're pretty damn funny, Fluffy!
A hijacker hijacks a bus full of accordion players...he threatens police that he will release one every hour until his demands are met.
How many deslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?
Have you heard about the dislexic bluesman? He went down to the crossroads in the dead of night...sold his soul to Santa...
This chick is going to prom...she really, really, really wants this dress...only problem is is that it's way too expensive for her...so she asks her dad if he'll help her buy it...her dad replies, "Yeah, sure, but you have to give me a blowjob..." So the chick thinks for a minute, and decides that it's worth it to give her dad a blowjob for her dress...She does, and afterwards says, "Dad, your dick tastes like SHIT!!" Her dad chuckles a little and says, "Yeah, I figured...your brother had to use the car last night..."
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are trapped on a Pacific island...The cheif of the resident tribe there says, "You have four ways to die...The gun, the poison, the sword, or the rusty fork...choose your method, kill yourself, and we will use your skin for our canoe." So the Frenchman takes the poison...he swallows down, shakes a little, and dies. The natives use his skin for their canoe. The Englishmen takes the gun, says, "Long live the King," and proceeds to blow his brains out. The natives use his skin for the canoe. The New Yorker looks at the remaining tools of death...Without hesitation, he chooses the rusty fork. He begins stabbing himself all over his body..."FUCK YOUR CANOE!!!"
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? 202,001...1 to change the bulb, 2,000 to take pictures of the event, and 200,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
You know you're a hick when one of your relatives last words were, "Hey, watch this!"
You know you're a hick when your lovely set of salad bowls all have "Cool-Whip" written on the side... |
"Hey man...you smell..."
"Oh yeah?"
"yeah...like dinner..." |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2004 : 7:25:12 PM
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I got this one from a friend today, I thought it was funny, although it is probably as old as I am. LOL
CHINESE SICK LEAVE
I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house....
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"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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KevinLesko
Alien Abductee
3712 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2004 : 7:40:53 PM
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| What did the skeleton say to the bartender? ... "gimmie a beer and a mop" |
god
Kevin |
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James M.
Chatterbox
USA
245 Posts |
Posted - 04/18/2004 : 9:27:22 PM
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| pam that was hillarious!!!! |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2006 : 7:02:58 PM
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I posted this joke along TIMe ago, earlier in this thread. Today I received a new one that made me think of this old one. The new one follows the old one. ENJOY!quote:
Originally posted by Fluffy
Man walks into a bar. There in the bar sit Gov. Bush and Colon Powell(by the way, those are not typos. I do not recognize Bush as the Prez as he was never rightfully elected to the office and Powells is pretty obvious I think. Sorry for the momentary tangent away from the joke)discussing WW III and how they can start it.
Man decides this is his opportunity to get inside the minds of the so-called leaders and the decision making process. He asks, "So what are your plans for world domination Mr. Bush?"
Gov. Bush answers, "Well first we are going to kill millions of Iraqis and then we are going to blow up a big breasted blond."
Man gets confused look on his face and asks, "Why in the world are you going to blow up a big breasted blond?!!!"
Gov. Bush smiles, turns to Colon Powell and punches Colon in the arm and says, "SEE!!! I told you noone would care about a bunch of Iraqis!!"
TODAYS JOKE(thanx Tom):
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the president sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks... ...
'How many is a Brazillion ??!'
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Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 05/18/2006 : 9:58:46 PM
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President Bush recently went to a primary school in Macon, Georgia, to talk about the world. After his talk, he asked if the children had any questions. One little boy put up his hand, and the president asked him his name.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
1 ... Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ... Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ... Did you steal votes to win both elections?"
Just then the bell rang for recess. President Bush informed the kiddies that they would continue after recess.
When they resumed, the President said "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy put his hand up. Bush pointed him out and asked him his name.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions:
1 ...Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ...Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ...Did you steal votes to win both elections?
4 ...Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5 ...What happened to Kenneth?"
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Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 06/04/2006 : 3:27:34 PM
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A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled "Hello" to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him... and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from... so he says ..."Sorry....do you know me?" She replies... "I may be mistaken... but I thought you might be the father... of one of my children." His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap".... he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends.... while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?" "No".... she replies..... "I'm your son's teacher."
I thought of you when I heard this joke PJK, hope you get as good a laugh out of it as I did. |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2006 : 06:23:33 AM
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| HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was hilarious! I'm going to have to tell that one to some of my co-workers! Thanks, comes at a good time too, only a few more weeks of school left and it's crazy! Why do kids blow teachers off all year, then a few weeks before school ends, with "summer school" looming in their future, do they start to worry about their grades? I have two (non)words for them BOOO HOOO! argggggg! |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2006 : 8:27:25 PM
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Not really a joke persay, but funny nonetheless:
MASTERCARD WEDDING
You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Robin
Yak Addict
USA
598 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2006 : 9:18:09 PM
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| That is soo bizarre..yet somehow amusing,in a disturbing kind of way Peace, Robin |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 06/08/2006 : 11:56:01 PM
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Here's one for Tericee, hope she sees it.....
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby Talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT." |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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tericee
Alien Abductee
USA
2579 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2006 : 05:13:35 AM
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| That's too funny! |
teri 
Twittering about the DC adventure since Dec '09...
(Micro)Blog * Photo Album
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2006 : 5:58:49 PM
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| I thought you would like that one. Pretty amazed you hadn't heard it before. Anyway, glad you enjoyed it. |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2008 : 3:04:12 PM
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One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, sir."
Only 159 days for this joke to be reality!!!
I hope we make it...
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Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Ranting Thespian
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1283 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2008 : 11:50:46 PM
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| that made me piss my pants!!! |
Not communicating can hurt more than any word that can be said -
Nick
-the Ranting Thespian |
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rubylith
Fluffy-Esque
1915 Posts |
Posted - 08/18/2008 : 11:58:44 AM
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| hahaha |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2008 : 10:34:38 PM
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A video report of Bush's Tour of America to survey the damaged done by his disastrous presidency.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aEURwsrUSQ
This would be hilarious if it weren't so TRUE |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2008 : 12:50:46 PM
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Someone told this to me and it struck me as funny.
"Due to inflation and the worsening economy, 69 is now 96. The cost of eating has gone up!"
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dirtysloth
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1302 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2008 : 1:26:30 PM
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So two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them was a salted.
---------------------------------------------------------------
C, E-flat and G walk into a bar...
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!"
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a mionr, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without a Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less.
The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar. |
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dirtysloth
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1302 Posts |
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Ranting Thespian
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1283 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2008 : 05:04:32 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by dirtysloth
The most hilarious sheet music I've ever seen.......
http://static.flickr.com/47/150301671_ca7d422981_o.gif
I want to see someone play it, especially the release the penguins part. |
Not communicating can hurt more than any word that can be said -
Nick
-the Ranting Thespian |
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Jorgy
Is Anybody Here?
USA
39 Posts |
Posted - 09/02/2008 : 02:45:44 AM
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If you took an oriental person and spun them really really fast in a circle.....
Would they become disoriented? |
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Ranting Thespian
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1283 Posts |
Posted - 09/02/2008 : 04:14:31 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Jorgy
If you took an oriental person and spun them really really fast in a circle.....
Would they become disoriented?
*rim shot* |
Not communicating can hurt more than any word that can be said -
Nick
-the Ranting Thespian |
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EnlightenThis
Chatterbox
USA
106 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2008 : 10:04:31 AM
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| a man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. he looks to the end of the bar and notices a tiny man playing a miniature piano. So he says to the bartender, "Where did you get the piano man?" The bartender replies,"well I rubbed this magic lamp here and a genie came out who would grant me one wish." The man asked if he could use the lamp and so out comes the genie and the man gives the genie his wish. Suddenly the door to the bar bursts open and hundreds of ducks start filling into the bar. The man looks at the bartender and says, "What the hell! I wished for a million BUCKS not a million DUCKS!" and the bartender scoffs,"And you really think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?" |
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LoveToday
Chatterbox
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2008 : 09:23:25 AM
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Just had to...
A man and his wife were sitting watching tv. The man, knowing how his wife enjoyed riddles presented her with "Honey, I have a riddle for you, can you tell me something that will make me very very happy and very very sad at the same time?" She pondered for a moment and said "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends." |
I childproof my home... and they still get in! |
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SpaceMonkey
Chatterbox
315 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2008 : 6:38:06 PM
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A guy gets in bed with his wife. She's trying to sleep, but he starts putting the moves on her anyway.
"Not tonight honey," the wife says, and the husband rolls back to his side of the bed.
Ten minutes later, he tries again, but she's still not into it.
"I already said 'not tonight'!!"
"C'mon! Why not?!"
"Because I have to go to the gynecologist tomorrow!"
So the guy stops and gets back to his side of the bed.
Ten minutes later, the wife feels a hand pushing her head down.
"Well you're not going to the dentist, are ya?!?!" The husband aska. |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 04:34:22 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by LoveToday
Just had to...
A man and his wife were sitting watching tv. The man, knowing how his wife enjoyed riddles presented her with "Honey, I have a riddle for you, can you tell me something that will make me very very happy and very very sad at the same time?" She pondered for a moment and said "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
I heard this one but only with a slight twist on the punchline:
"You have a bigger dick than your BROTHER!" |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Ranting Thespian
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1283 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 06:37:24 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Fluffy
quote:
Originally posted by LoveToday
Just had to...
A man and his wife were sitting watching tv. The man, knowing how his wife enjoyed riddles presented her with "Honey, I have a riddle for you, can you tell me something that will make me very very happy and very very sad at the same time?" She pondered for a moment and said "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
I heard this one but only with a slight twist on the punchline:
"You have a bigger dick than your BROTHER!"
We can take it one step farther and say, "You have a bigger dick than MY brother." |
Not communicating can hurt more than any word that can be said -
Nick
-the Ranting Thespian |
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LoveToday
Chatterbox
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 07:53:17 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Ranting Thespian
We can take it one step farther and say, "You have a bigger dick than MY brother."
Ewwwww....
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I childproof my home... and they still get in! |
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Jokes....
