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{=HTG=}
Alien Abductee
USA
2342 Posts |
 Posted - 04/17/2002 : 5:52:35 PM
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In the woods one day, this bear was chasing this rabbit. Well, the two come across a magic lamp, and a genie pops out. Telling them he will grant them each two wishes if they just stop chasing each other. The bear goes first:
"I want every bear in the world to be a female" The genie grants him the wish with a snap of his fingers"
"For my second wish, I want to have a huge dick" The wish is granted.
The genie turns to the rabbit, who says,
"First, I want a motercycle" and one pops out of thin air. The rabbit jumps on, and the genie says, "whoa, wait, you have another wish."
The rabbit points backwards,
"I want this bear to be gay." And drives off.
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My_Bad_Side
Alien Abductee
2000 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2002 : 6:16:49 PM
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Ahhahhhahahhahhahahahhahahha
...
Ahhahhahahahhahhhahahhahahhah
....
MWahhahhahhahhahhha
....
Haahahahaha..
....
Ha..
Whew.
No one understands me. |
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{=HTG=}
Alien Abductee
USA
2342 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2002 : 6:23:38 PM
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Yeah, I was in my school library when my friend told me that. Tears were filling up my eyes. It was probably the funniest thing i've heard in my life.
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2002 : 7:04:54 PM
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Oh... there are better.
-J
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{=HTG=}
Alien Abductee
USA
2342 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2002 : 7:09:04 PM
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Oh yeah!? Prove it, tough guy!
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2002 : 8:16:54 PM
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So this guy goes golfing one day. He's on the 8th hole when he slices his ball into the trees. Cursing, he goes to find his ball. After looking for a few minutes, he hears some groaning coming from behind a tree. He goes around it and sees a midget lying unconscious next to his ball. As he reaches for it, the midget wakes up and says "Congratulations. I am a leprachaun and you have caught me. Therefore I must grant you three wishes otherwise I become your slave." The golfer replies, "No thanks. I don't need anything." The leprachaun then said, "No....you don't understand....I can't leave your side until I grant you three wishes." The golfer once again refused and walked away. The leprachaun thought to himself, "That is a really nice man. I think I'm gonna give him the stadard three wishes anyway. I'll give him wealth, a great golf game, and great sex." So a year passes and the same man is on the same golf course on the same hole. Once again, he slices his ball into the woods. When he finds it, the leprachaun is standing next to it. The leprachaun said, "Hello again. How have you been?" The golfer replied, "Unbelievable! The day after I met you, I won the lottery! I have more money now than I know what to do with!" The leprachaun nods approvingly and asks, "And How's your golf game?" "You wouldn't believe how well I've been doing! This is the worst shot I've had in a year! I'm gonna sign up for the PGA next month." Then the leprachaun asks, "And how's you sex life?" The golfer replies, "I'd say about two to three times a week." "TWO TO THREE TIMES!!!!!", the leprachaun screamed!! "How can this be!!!". The golfer said, "Well for a priest from a small parish, I think that's pretty good."
"Life is what you make of it, not what you take from it." |
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{=HTG=}
Alien Abductee
USA
2342 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2002 : 12:46:26 AM
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Great joke, now that i've got it memorized, i'll spread it throughout my highschool. . .mabye people will laugh at this one. No one laughed at the bear joke. . damn.
"I tell you what, I'm not that easily amused ...wow, a blue car!" Homer Simpson.
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2002 : 01:29:39 AM
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Three men are on a safari in Africa when they wander onto the wrong piece of land and they are captured by a tribe of pygmies. The pygmies take the men back to their village where they are to be punished for their trespass.
The entire village comes out and encircles the three tied-up men. The male pygmies are all wearing traditional African masks, and yielding 6 foot long spears that stand a good 2 feet above their heads. The village is busy with chatter when all of the sudden a hush comes over the crowd as the circle separates in one spot and the chief comes walking into the center.
The three men, terrified, don't know what is to become of them. A long, awkward silence is broken when the chief points to the first man and bellows, "Death... or BUHNDA." Upon this ultimatum, all the men in the village start pounding their spears on the ground chanting "Bundah, bundah, bundah, buhnda..."
The man, in complete panic, sees his entire life flash before his eyes... his wife, his children, his job. Not wanting to die, he says after a moment, "Bundah."
The chief then yells "BUUUUUUHNDAAAAAA!"
As soon as he says this the entire village erupts in cheer, and then every last man in the village gets in line and fucks the guy up the ass... they all ride him hard and wear his asshole out for hours and hours and hours. When all the pygmies are done, they once again encircle the two remaining men, and let the first one go.
The chief, wide-eyed, looks at the second man and bellows, "Death... or BUHNDA!"
Again the villagers start pounding their spears on the ground chanting "Buhnda... buhnda... buhnda... buhnda..."
The second man, now knowing what horror awaits him also thinks of his family, his friends, his job, his ambitions, his life... he decides he has too much to live for and must tough it out, so he too replies, "Buhnda."
The chief again yells "BUUUUUUUUHNDAAAAAAAAA!"
As before, all the men in the village erupt in cheer and come over and fuck him in the ass... one after another, after another, after another until they are all done. Then they let him crawl away.
When it's all done, the chief makes his way to the third man...
"DEATH, OR BUHNDA."
The crowd starts their chant "Buhnda... buhnda" but they're interrupted.
The third man doesn't even think about it... he says, "Fuck that. I'm not letting all you little bastards near my ass. DEATH!"
There is a long silence... then the chief says,
"DEATH.......... BYYYYYY BUUUUUUUUHNDAAAA!"
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2002 : 06:37:29 AM
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There is a tyrannical tour manager, a soundman and a lighting guy and they all find a genie bottle. As they are fighting over it a genie pops out. The genie tells them that the person who freed him from the bottle gets three wishes. Since noone is willing to back down on who freed the genie, the genie offers them a deal, one wish each. So the lighting guy thinks for minute and says "I wish I had a million dollars and was lounging on the beach with a beautiful woman!" POOOOFFFF!!! He is wisked away to his wish. The soundman, thinking he is bit smarter, says "I wish I had 2 million dollars and bunch of women on a tropical island!" POOOOOOFFF!! He is wisked away to his tropical island. The genie turns to the tour manager and says "And what will your wish be?" Tour manager looks at his watch and says "I wish those 2 lazy bastards would be back here in 5 minutes!"
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy          |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2002 : 09:16:53 AM
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There are three men walking across a bridge, when one of them kicks a lamp and a genie pops out. He says that he will give each of them one wish, but they have to jump off the bridge which making it. The first man thinks for a minute, steps to the edge, jumps off, and yells "I wish I had a million dollars!" Just before he hits the water, he's instantly transported back next to his friends and a suitcase holding a million dollars falls out of the sky at his feet. The second one jumps off right away and wishes for a new car. Like before, just before he hits the water...he's transported back to the bridge. Then a brand new Dodge Viper falls onto the road (unharmed). The first two, extatic, drive off togetherin the new car. The third one thinks for a long time, steps to the edge, and when he's ready to jump, he slips and yells, "Shit!"
"Life is what you make of it, not what you take from it." |
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pants_happy
Chatterbox
412 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2002 : 11:11:51 AM
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>A man takes the day off work and
>decides to go out golfing.
>He is on the second hole when he
>notices a frog sitting next to
>the green.
>He thinks nothing of it and is
>about to shoot when he
>hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
>
>
> The man looks around and doesn't
> see anyone. Again, he
> hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
> at the frog and decides to
> prove the frog wrong, puts the
> club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
>
> Boom!
> He hits it 10 inches from the
> cup. He is shocked. He says
> to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
> You must be a lucky frog, eh?
>
> The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
> The man decides to take the frog
> with him to the next hole.
> "What do you think frog?" the
> man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
>
> The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
> Boom! Hole in one. The
> man is befuddled and doesn't know
> what to say. By the end
> of the day, the man golfed the
> best game of golf in his life and
> asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
> The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
>
>
> " They go to Las Vegas
> and the guy says, "OK frog, now
>
> what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
> approaching the roulette table, The man
> asks, "What do you think I should
> bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
> $3000, black 6."
>
>
> Now, this is a
> million-to-one shot to win, but
> after the golf game the man
> figures what the heck.
> Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
>
>
>
> The man takes his winnings and
> buys the best room in the
> hotel. He sits the frog down and
> says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
> You've won me all this money and
> I am forever grateful."
> The frog replies,
>
>
> "Ribbit Kiss Me."
>
> He figures why not,
> since after all the frog did for
> him, he deserves it. With a
> kiss, the frog turns into a
> gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
>
> your honor, is how the girl
> ended up in my room. So help me God
> or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton. "
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Captain Petersburgh
Yak Addict
Canada
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2002 : 4:32:44 PM
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oooo ooo i got one.
so this couple are makin love when this bee fly's ito the womans pussy. they both freak oot and go to the hospital. at the hospital the doc says. i've got a plan. i'm going to smear my dick w/ honey and insert in into your wife's vagina. as i feel the bee gettin' closer to me penis ill pull it oot. so he stick's it inn and aboot 15 minutes later he says WE MUST GO DEEPER!!!! as he goes deeper the wonan stars gettin' horney and begines to moan. the doctor begines to push harder. the husaben at this point askes i thought u were going to get the bee oot. how is this going to help? the doctor as calmly as he can says" change of plans.....i'm going to drown the bastard"
i'm keepin' TIMe with my own set of keys.... |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2002 : 8:52:50 PM
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My dad sent this to me upon finding that I am becoming an engineer. My favorite is #3.
Understanding Engineers - Lesson One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Lesson Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Lesson Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, '"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said........."Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Lesson Four
What is the difference between Systems Engineers and Civil Engineers? Systems Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Lesson Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with your Big Mac?"
Understanding Engineers - Lesson Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Final Lesson
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have much need for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
"Life is what you make of it, not what you take from it." |
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{=HTG=}
Alien Abductee
USA
2342 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2002 : 01:16:29 AM
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the
husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
"I tell you what, I'm not that easily amused ...wow, a blue car!" Homer Simpson.
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someguywithaguitar
Chatterbox
USA
122 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2002 : 01:57:54 AM
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These three guys were camping (Fluffy, pcbdmb, and Silky) They all went camping, Fluffy sleeping in the middle of the two friends. When they wake up, pcbdmb says, "wow, I had a dream where my bad side was jerking me off" Silky said, "whoa, I had a dream where HTG was jacking me off!" Fluffy, said. . "I was having a dream where I was skiing"
Get it??? Fluffy was jacking HTG and MBS in there sleep...I just happened to pick those three names out radomlly, no reason other than that......
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2002 : 02:20:30 AM
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Main Entry: [1]caus·tic
Pronunciation: 'kos-tik
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin causticus, from Greek kaustikos, from kaiein to burn
Date: 14th century
2 : marked by incisive sarcasm
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2002 : 12:22:47 AM
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Little Johnny and little Suzy decide that they are in love and want to get married. When they tell Johnny's parents the news, the parents think it's just the cutest thing.
"Where will you two live?" asks Johnny's mother.
"We can live in Suzy's room" replies Johhny.
"Well how will you support her?" asks Johnny's dad.
"Well, her allowance plus mine is $15 a week... that's plenty for a couple of kids." says Suzy.
"But what will you do if you have a baby?" asks Johnny's dad.
Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
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tericee
Alien Abductee
USA
2579 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2002 : 12:34:29 AM
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quote:
Understanding Engineers - Lesson One
Those are right on the money except the stuff about engineers not being interested in sex. Revenge of the Nerds was much more accurate on that. :)
teri 
Did I mention that I finished a marathon? |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2002 : 06:32:41 AM
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I thought you would like those Teri, I couldn't stop laughing when I read them. Kudos on the Engineer jokes!!
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2002 : 6:38:23 PM
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Well.......seeing as you liked those.....here's some more.....
Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions:
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual [??] logged maintenance complaints and problems,
known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.
"P" in list below means: The problem logged by the pilot.
"S" means: The solution and action taken by the engineers
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspect crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
"Life is what you make of it, not what you take from it." |
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enthuTIMsiast
Alien Abductee
6990 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2002 : 7:08:06 PM
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That was the funniest thing I've seen in weeks!
-What- |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2002 : 07:44:06 AM
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I don't believe they are real, but they are REALLY FUNNY. Must make sure Tericee sees those. She can really appreciate good pilot/maintenance jokes!! She has worked with alot of them in her job in the Air Force.
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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tericee
Alien Abductee
USA
2579 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2002 : 9:24:23 PM
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quote:
I don't believe they are real, but they are REALLY FUNNY. Must make sure Tericee sees those. She can really appreciate good pilot/maintenance jokes!! She has worked with alot of them in her job in the Air Force.
Some of those may not be real, but pilots can be pretty stupid!
teri
Did I mention that I finished a marathon? |
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2002 : 3:45:51 PM
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This one's for Liz. :)
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his
finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton
to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she
looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could
have a urine test done?"
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2002 : 7:44:03 PM
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Silky......That's bad! You know how I feel about handwashing! hee hee.
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2002 : 7:46:57 PM
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An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was
on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very
naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to
figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"
One woman replied, "We were curious about the
painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have pink penis?"
"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are
West Virginia coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for
lunch."
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Got a great joke here!
