quote:

---

Subject: TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFFS....


NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of
you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have
a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a
major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to
read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be
howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named
FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored
to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1
MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2
ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3
FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4
BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5
LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6
VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone!

_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 7
SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach. ____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8
BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN ASS CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili?

---