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therippa
Fluffy-Esque
Kazakhstan
1099 Posts |
 Posted - 12/05/2002 : 3:46:13 PM
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| Problem solved |
Aspiring to Be Fluffy-Esque an Alien Abductee! |
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Evergreen
Yak Addict
960 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 4:16:38 PM
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It sounds like you were and still are, incredibly supportive to her thru her problems. The most sacred relationships of soulmate status involve unconditional love and support. It definitely sounds like you feel this way towards her. All relationships make you want to pull your hair out at TIMes, That's a given, your not alone. Rape is so difficult to deal with especially for her but equally for you. Give her patient loving affection regardless of how she's acting to you and understand that it may take awhile to be back to her self. In the end that will be the thing that stands out for her the most.
Wishing you the best
Heartache sucks
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 5:30:45 PM
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With the way my life is right now I am not giving anyone advice on relationships!!!!!
Some things you need to decide for yourself. Sorry. |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2002 : 5:37:50 PM
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| It sounds like you are trying to give as unbiased of an account as possible, and from what you say it sounds like a lot of the trouble is coming from her end. From the way you describe how you both seem to feel about each other, it sounds like you most definitely should be together... but there is going to have to be a point at which she gets her shit together. If she wants to make things work as much as you do, then she will be willing to work at it with you to help her. People CAN change by working at it... it doesn't always have to be something that occurs naturally over time. It doesn't sound reasonable for you to have to wait for her to change on her own because she very well may never get there. I think that if you are going to give it another try, the two of you need to make sure to open the lines of communication as much as possible so you can work at it together, not just as two individuals. As for your friends... as long as you approach this with a clear head, there's nobody that knows what's better for you than you do when it comes to these matters. The best of luck to you... please keep us updated. |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 12/25/2002 : 04:38:17 AM
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From the man who knows nothing:
First, let me state, that friends perceptions of a relationship are sometimes skewed. I don't know your complete situation of course so I can only speculate and offer situations for you to examine. I find that what friends generally find out about a relationship you are having with someone are the bad things that happen. Generally, we don't run around when things are going good shouting to the heavens and our friends, "WE ARE IN LOVE, AND THINGS COULDN'T BE MORE RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AND THIS RELATIONSHIP!" What our friends generally hear or see is when we are depressed over an aspect of the relationship or when we bitch about problems, so their perception of whether she might be right or wrong for you may not be accurate. I believe you have to look inside yourself for that answer. Do YOU feel she is right or wrong for you. Your opinion matters over everyone elses. Afterall, noone else(hopefully, HEHE) is in the relationship with her. Just you. Friends can be overly critical, and not always see the good things you see in her. The don't spend TIMe with her the way you do and are less likely to see her multi-dimensionality that you may be more aware of. What I am basically trying to say in my long-winded way is. You may factor in your friends opinions, but at the end of the day, the way you feel should dictate your actions in the situation. From what I read, it almost sounds like you know what the answer should be and you are looking for a little support from friends that you just aren't finding from your close friends. I say, go with your heart. Sounds to me like she has been thru quite a traumatic experience that we men can hardly even imagine or identify with, but as Evergreen said, sticking by her and supporting her in this tough TIMe will go alot further toward her trusting you. There are alot of trust issues that come up after a rape. Giving her room, but being there and being supportive will go along way to showing her you truly care and value her. In such a tempermental state, she may interpret distancing as rejection or worse yet disgust on your part. You definitely do not want to send the wrong message. That is where Silky's advice comes in. Open lines of communication. NOTHING is more important than this. Take it from me. Oh, and also HONESTY in those open lines of communication. There is alot going thru her head after and experience like that and she could be interpreting actions by you as mixed or worse yet negative signals. She needs to know how you feel and that you are there for her, if indeed you are or want to be. Pressure at a TIMe like this is a bad thing. Demands, ultimatums etc etc etc will only worsen an already bad situation. Support and caring and patience are what she needs right now. Rape victims have said on numerous occasions that after an experience like that they feel violated, dirty, disgusting and like no man will ever want me again. Distancing yourself when she feels this way could really damage a relationship you sound like you want to save. It will only reinforce those feelings if she is having them. As I always say, don't do anything people tell you, you may heed their advice and examine the situation, but make your own decision. You are the one who has to live with it, and it will be easier to live with if you like the decision you made and it was your own. Hope some of this helps and I hope things work out the way you want them to. If anything I have said is unclear or confusing in some way, please feel free to ask me to clarify. I would be happy to. The last thing I would want you to do is make a decision based on some of my advice without fully understanding what I am talking about. I wish you the best and hope if you feel like you need to talk about it some more or run something up the flagpole and see how it flys, I am always happy to listen and offer my 2 cents(by the way, that is about all it's worth. Maybe that or a grain of salt) Your decision based on your feelings are the MOST IMPORTANT thing. Noone knows the situation better than you. As I mentioned above, we here only have a small part of the picture, so alot of what we say may not even apply. We just offer it up to possibly help. Once again, I wish you the best and hope it all works out for the best in the end, whatever that may be for your PEACE of mind. |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy         
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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therippa
Fluffy-Esque
Kazakhstan
1099 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2003 : 1:54:57 PM
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To any of those interested in how this worked out, I decided to sit back and let time and fate determine what is going to happen. I realized a lot of what I felt was amplified by feelings of holiday loneliness, but then I realized that I have numerous other people in my life that should have priority and I was focusing on the wrong thing. I do still love this girl, but I realize that now is just not the right time...maybe it will be sometime in the future. Nonetheless, I've figured out a good type of therapy for when I start thinking about her too much: I hang out with her for a few hours and get reminded of what roadblocks still exist that would prevent it from working out at that time. So, like I said and like I told her, we'll see what happens in the future.
Thanks everyone for you help and advice on this one, for once I feel settled on the issue and it hardly crosses my mind anymore and I am a much happier Tim fan.
Jason |
Aspiring to Be Fluffy-Esque an Alien Abductee! |
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PJK
Alien Abductee
USA
4159 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2003 : 3:54:35 PM
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Jason, so glad at least things seem to be sorted out in your head. Giving everything time is a good idea. Sooo glad you are happier now! Pam |
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"Friedrich Nietzsche |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2003 : 2:52:48 PM
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| Glad to hear you have it at least sorted out in your head. As you said, who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe she just needs TIMe to get stuff sorted out in her head. Glad to you sound alot happier now and at least resolute in your decision for the TIMe being. All the luck in the future on this matter and hope to see you around the board more often. |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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Miss Sorrel
Yak Addict
593 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2003 : 2:13:15 PM
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| SNEAKY! Obviously you do know how to use the edit option! |
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CPPJames
Yak Addict
Fyro Macedonia
800 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2003 : 4:06:03 PM
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| LOL, I was confused until I came to the "edit" conclusion myself =). I'd like to back up what Fluffy was saying though about friends having a skewed perception and tending to see the bad much more often than the good. My last girlfriend completely shattered my soul...it really destroyed me. Everyone saw how I was when we broke up and assumed that she was the cause for the break up and that she was the devil. A couple years have passed since then and we've both grown in different ways, and we're considering giving it another shot. I know that if we do, everyone will be opposed to it at first...but screw 'em. If I'm happy, I don't care what they think...even though they're my friends. |
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't. |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 04/01/2003 : 6:11:54 PM
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| Hey CPPJames, was that her,in the green t-shirt, with you in Boone? |
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy
"THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS A CRUEL AND SHALLOW MONEY TRENCH-- A LONG PLASTIC HALLWAY WHERE THIEVES AND PIMPS RUN FREE AND GOOD MEN DIE LIKE DOGS. THERE'S ALSO A NEGATIVE SIDE..." -Hunter S. Thompson |
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The siren has sunk my battleship
