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Fleabass76
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1026 Posts |
 Posted - 07/10/2002 : 12:19:15 AM
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Larry Graham, Pastorius and Stanley Clarke are drinking some coffee. Suddenly L. Graham said :Yo guys, i'm the best bass player in the world.
Pastorius : No no no, It's me.
L. Graham : Wow! How do you know that?
Pastorius : God told me!
S. Clarke : What!? I said that?
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Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Bassists? A keyboardist could do a better job with his left hand!
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Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 20; 1 to hold it and 19 to drink until the room spins.
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What do guitar players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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Who's got the heaviest gear?
-A bassist with his four and five string basses and 1x15, 2x10 cabs and head plus rackmounts
-Keys with the two keyboards on a rack, amp and rackmount processors
-Drummer with his 15 piece kit that he only uses 60% of
-Singer with PA
-Guitar player with full stack, guitar and pedals
Guitar player, you're forgetting their egos.
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How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to watch and tell their girlfriends they could have done it better.
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A bass player walked past a bar........hey, it COULD happen!
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What's the difference between a lead vocalist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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How do you know when a lead vocalist is at your front door?
It takes them forever to find the key, then they can't figure out how to get in........
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What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
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This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender -
I can converse with anyone about anything at anytime.
The bartennder tells the guy - down at the end of the bar - that guy down there has an IQ of 170. Go down and talk to him and let me know how you make out.
2 hours later the guy comes back and tells the bartender - We just spent 2 hours talking about a cure for cancer.
The bartender tells the guy to go talk to another customer who has an IQ of 130.
2 hours later the guy comes back to the bartender and tells him -
We just spent 2 hours talking about politics.
The bartender tells the guy - Now go and speak to this guy down at the other end of the bar - he has an IQ of 30.
The guys approaches this 30 IQ guys and asks -
So what gauge guitar string do you use.
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What's the difference between God and a lead singer?
God doesn't think he's a lead singer.
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A guitar player was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow.
The guitar player took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The guitar player guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The guitar player got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission.
The guitar player selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?"
The guitar player was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal.
The shepherd then guessed "You're a guitar player, aren't you?" The guitar player was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
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Q: How do you get a musician off your patio?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
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A Bassist, Drummer, and Lead Vocal were all in Saudi Arabia sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a
Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Drummer was first in line so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Drummer had to be carried away bleeding with pain when the punishment was done. The Lead Vocalist was next up and after watching the scene, said "All right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Lead Vocalist out crying like a little girl. The Bassist was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you play the greatest instrument in the world, your
supporters are some of the best and most loyal musicians in the world. For this you may have two wishes! “Thanks, your most Royal Highness” the Bassist replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man you are very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be? the Sheik asks. "Tie the Lead Vocalist to my back."
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Q: How many singer's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hold it while the world revolves around him.
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How do punk guitarists prove talent? - Crappy gear and how fast they can palm mute
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How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
Five.
One.
Five.
repeat...
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A drummer got fed up with other musicians telling stupid drummer-jokes all the time, so he decided to become a real musician.
He thought that it would probably be easiest to become a guitar player. That way no one would make fun of him anymore.
Next day, he puts on his coolest shades and tells this salesguy that he wants to buy a Stratocaster, a Les Paul, a Marshall stack, a fuzz box and a bag of picks.
After 2 minutes of hard laughing the salesguy just says to him: you're a drummer, right?
The drummer says: how can you say that I'm a drummer, you f---ing asshole, I'm a lead f---ing guitar player fer gods sake!
Salesguy: Stop pulling my leg, no frigging way you are a guitar player, you play drums and thats it!
By now the drummer is about to loose it completely, so he lowers his voice asks quietly: -How could you tell I'm a drummer?
Salesguy: Because this is a hot-dog stand!
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"Women and rhythm section first."
Mr. Jaco Pastorius
[img]http://spacefemsplanet.com/3dblobs/blobabstract3.gif" width="90" height="98" border="0" alt="Adopt your own useless blob!"> |
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LizT
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1687 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2002 : 1:26:37 PM
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Thanks for the amusement Fleabass! LOL!
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Silky The Pimp
Alien Abductee
3321 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2002 : 2:12:01 PM
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A man is at a bar when he hears the most beautiful solo piano song that has ever graced his ears. Once the song ends the man walks up to the piano player and tells him how wonderful his song was and asks what the name of it is.
"Mangled monkey anus," replies the pianist.
The man is somewhat taken back, but he thanks the pianist and goes back to his seat. The next song that the piano player plays is even more beautiful than the first. It literally is so amazing that it brings half the bar to tears. It moves the man so much that he again approaches the pianist after the song to ask the title.
"Vaginal Bloodfart With Puss."
The man is again taken back, but he thanks the pianist and goes back to his seat. A little later once the set is over the man feels the need to hit the head, so he goes to the bathroom, and who is there other than the talented piano player taking a leak. The man goes up to a urinal a few down from the piano player and is nearly knocked out by a horrible stench... he looks over and realizes that the smell is coming from the piano player's penis.
Ready to vomit he says, "Hey... I don't mean to be too forward, but do you know your dick smells like dead fish and is half green with the skin rotting off?"
"KNOW it?!" says the pianist, "Hell, I WROTE it!!!"
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Jay
Alien Abductee
Vatican City
2279 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2002 : 2:41:29 PM
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A saxophone player and his wife are having sex. The wife says,
" Honey, I htink you'd better pull out now."
The sax palyer says, " Why, am I Sharp?"
Jay
" It's a scavenger hunt in the best of times, a one armed man with a box of dimes. Throw the stick and let the bulldog roll." KJP |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2002 : 12:56:49 AM
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Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10, 1 to screw it in and the other 9 to talk about how Clapton would have done it.(or on our message board, How TR would have done it.)
Whats the difference between Hollywood Records and The Titanic?
At least the Titanic had a good band on it before it went under.
They figured out a way to stop the spread of aids.
Let Polygram(or insert your least fave record label here)distribute it.
Guy goes into a brain store. He wants a new brain. He checks out the prices:
Lawyers Brain: $2
Doctors Brain: $50
Nuclear Physicists Brain: $100
Einsteins Brain: $500
Guitar Players Brain: $2000
He is shocked, he has to ask the proprieter. Why does a guitar players brain cost SOOOO much?
Answer: You know how many guitar players brains it takes to make up 1 good brain?
There is a guitar player, lead singer and a tour manager. They come across a genie bottle, while they are fighting over it a genie pops out and offers them 3 wishes. They argue over who gets the wishes and decide that each one will get 1 wish. The guitar player wishes he had 1 million dollars and a private island with Pamela Sue Anderson. WHOOSH!! He vanishes. Excited, the lead singer makes his wish which has to be better than the guitar players. He wishes for 5 million dollars, a private island, and a bevy of beautiful women. WHOOSH!! He is wisked away to his private island. Now the tour manager thinks carefully for a second and decides on his wish, "I got sound check in 10 minutes, I wish those guys would be back here in 5 minutes."
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy          |
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Musician jokes
