| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:04:55 AM
Toilets
I was recently inspired to recount my fond memories of the types of toilets that most fine public establishments have.
One of the first things that people notice about modern public restrooms are the nifty SENSOR operated flushing mechanisms. Inspired by someone that though flushing was for the over-achiever, these wonderful devices come in two flavours. The first one is the one that doesnt work at all, regardless of how many times you wave at the fancy little red light coming out of the wall. Either it was painted on to fuck with you, or the midget that hids behind the wall fell asleep at the job. The second one is by far my favourite, the over-sensative ones. You know, the one that flushes when your pubes displace the surrounding atmosphere. These are great, because often times that happens mid-shit.
Then there is the toilet paper, another one of mans finest creations. This, too, comes in two flavours. The first is the most common, being the standard issue econo half-ply, which is about as effective as wiping your ass with your bare hands. But i cant distrust anything that comes in the size of a car tire. The second type is a rare, but pleasent find, sometimes found in gas stations outside the bigger cities. Yup, im talking about SUPER ABSORBANT. And they mean super absorbant. After you wipe you feel thirsty and no longer have to pee. Super. Absorbant.
Then, of course, comes the main event, flushing the actual toilet. As you may have guessed, that as well comes in two flavours. The first is not unlike watching your overweight grandma take the stairs at run. The toilets where, after flushing, pant for 15 minutes, as if to tell you "*wheeeze* few... more minutes... bahss *wheeze*". The second type of toilet can be used for third trimester abortions if a coat hanger isnt to be found. These toilets, if not treated with caution, have been known to devour small pets and be used as KGB escape tunnels.
Many of the toilets found in these establishments are prone to clogage though. Whether by leftover toilet paraphernalia from the last user, or by surprise ingestion of a middle aged black man from the super flushing mechanisms. If by some miricle there is a plunger nearby, you may, in the heat of the moment, believe that the integrety of the restroom is salvagable. This notion is carried until you realize that for every time you thrust the plunger hoping to remove whatever was lodged, THE FUCKING SENSOR GETS TRIPPED. So youre up to your ankles in shit water, pants to the floor, plunging away, wondering what Noah would do in a situation like this when it finaly hits you: SUPER ABSORBANT PAPER!! So you start tossing in the paper hoping it will actualy amount to what the advertisments claim, only to find it solidifies into a gel like substance thats not unlike afterbirth, further clogging the toilet and bringing you to the point where you leave the bathroom in shambles for the next poor man that walks in.
But not before you wash your hands of course. This proves to be a lot of fun, seeing that the soap looks like it was made out of a mixture of dried beetle carcass and the gellefied toilet paper, and the faucet only has 3 temperatures: Colder, Cold, and AUSCHWITZ. |
| 26 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Erich |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 01:33:42 AM
quote:
Originally posted by dan p.
all of erich's things here, while undeniably hilarious, sound a lot like carlin to me.
the virginity one reminded of something i read in his book "napalm and silly putty" in a section called "love and regards" about how telling someone to give someone else your love can go wrong.
I was worried about the viginity thing. but the funny thing is, I wrote that before i saw his bit on it. I saw his bit on that and though shit, i hate it when that happens.
as for the other stuff... I wasnt trying to sound like him, but its unfortunate that looking at it i kind of do. I guess its a sincere form of flattery (for george), but its still anoying, you know? Mostly because i think a lot like him in certain respects, and though i do think highly of his work, i also feel that its possible to come across the same way as someone famous.
oh well, i couldve been told way worse. |
| dan p. |
Posted - 09/29/2004 : 11:55:06 PM
all of erich's things here, while undeniably hilarious, sound a lot like carlin to me.
the virginity one reminded of something i read in his book "napalm and silly putty" in a section called "love and regards" about how telling someone to give someone else your love can go wrong. |
| Erich |
Posted - 09/29/2004 : 11:37:56 PM
Sneezing
God bless you!
Why do we still say this crap? And why does God apparently only bless you when you sneeze? Where is gods blessing when I cough, scratch my balls, cum, blink, blow my nose, take a shit, take a piss, take the crap out of my eye that grows there in the middle of the night, fart, crack my knuckles, or clean my ears... so why sneezing? Whats so important about sneezing that I have to take precious moments out of my life to bless you? And why do I have to say it? If its such an important thing that it recieves blessings from god, dont you think he should take the time to tell you himself? Why should I do gods work?
Whats worse, why am I expectated to thank the person that blesses me? I didnt ask to be blessed! Why should I thank you? What have you done or given me thats worth my thanks? a blessing? great! I can get that from a pamphlet. And shouldnt I be thanking god? Or are you his new go-to guy?
I dont like this whole damning and blessing shit. I mean, what would happen if a gay guy is sucking another guys dick, which supposedly God damns, and while doing so, he sneezes, which apparently god blesses... what happens then? Does god get confused?
I say, next time someone sneezes, just say FUCK YOU. Hopefully it catches on, and they'll start saying FUCK YOU TOO right back at you. It'll make sneezing more fun, and it'll keep strangers on their toes if you're the type to comment when they sneeze. |
| guitarted |
Posted - 08/26/2004 : 2:14:06 PM
David Copperfield has people fooled by his magic now in the era of Science
If Jesus was half the magician Copperfield was, he could have the world thinking he was the son of God easily
...think about it |
| PJK |
Posted - 08/25/2004 : 4:48:12 PM
Hey Erich, you didn't offend me at all. It was just stated more bluntly (is that even a word?) than I am used to seeing on here. I did mean what I said, that I think a discussion about religion with you and TIM would be very enlightening to say the least. I actually agree about the horror movie stuff.
|
| Erich |
Posted - 08/25/2004 : 4:10:47 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Arthen
They did
hah, well played!
as for the thing on Jesus, honestly, I just think its funny that christian fundies condemn horror movies yet have something right out of night of the living dead as their mortal guide. Its kind of like the whole "Son, Harry Potter teaches you evil witch craft and you shouldnt read it!" "then what about the red seas, dad? If that wasnt magic what was it??" "um..."
If I said it in an offensive way, well... thats my style  |
| Arthen |
Posted - 08/25/2004 : 3:52:43 PM
quote:
If he can't handle being made fun of a little screw him.
They did.
And as for comedians, it's all about Eddie Izard. |
| Zachmozach |
Posted - 08/25/2004 : 3:44:08 PM
Eh Jesus has a sense of humor. If he can't handle being made fun of a little screw him. |
| PJK |
Posted - 08/25/2004 : 09:24:14 AM
Wow Erich feeling a little harsh today??????
The Jesus thing was a bit over the top don't ya think? I mean, I am not particularly religious and I cringed at your words. I don't have time to get into it, really not sure I want to because message boards and emails are not the best mediums for that type of discussion. I do think it would be very enlightening to sit down with you and Tim and talk religion.
I am not putting down your ideas, just not sure I agree with them.
I do however agree with some of what you said about stereotypes being based on truth, at least I see your point on it.
|
| Erich |
Posted - 08/25/2004 : 07:33:30 AM
Your depression medicine causes kidney failure. Your kidney medicine causes depression. Think about it. Illegal drugs are illegal because the pharmacies dont want competition.
Jesus doesnt love you. You know why? Cause he's dead. I cant put much thought into something that's supposed to reanimate once every couple millenia and ressurect those who ate his flesh and pledged their souls to a lifetime of castrated subservience while casting all insobordinates to the dire regions of the netherworld to spend the rest of eternity drinking their melted eyeballs and listening to Neil Sedaka. Clive Bunker may want a brief chat with you though.
Next time you hear a married man say "Oh I can never think about having sex with anyone but my wife", I want you to feel his back for the off switch, click it, and then tell him his dick is hidden in the cupboard under the stairs. He'll thank you for it later.
Costco. Where else can you get a 7 gallon jar of Oreo Filling?
Steroetypes are based on truths. No one wants to admit that, but its true. Stereotypes have a certain basis in truth. What makes stereotyping wrong is prejudice, which is the pre judgement and assumption that the stereotype exists as a constant, which is untrue. This may be untrue, but that doesnt mean white people get together every so often in a circle and discuss what traits they can assign to other ethinic groups. Its not until you see 6 fried chicken places in a row in a black neighborhood that it starts to sink in, though. |
| TurnItToLove |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 10:35:55 PM
this is just the best thing i've read ever. EVER. |
| PJK |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 2:44:59 PM
Erich, these are priceless. Just one thought going through my mind, are you beginning to sound like Jay, or is Jay sounding more like you? LOL you both crack me up with your views on the world.
I still think of the stewardess on a flight I was on once who went on to explain about what to do if we had a "water landing." All I thought was "shit lady, that's a crash!" She went on to say how to use your life vest, you put it on like so, pull this cord and it should inflate, if it doesn't, pull this cord and if it still doesn't, there is a little plug thing on it you can blow into to inflate it. Then she said, "or you can use your seat cushion, it is a floating device." I thought, Yep, seat cushion, thats all I need to know!
Like who the hell is going to remember all that in the event of a "water landing? |
| guitarted |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 11:08:33 PM
If you like stories : listen to bill cosby.
He has the most ridiculous stories, and they are always SO exaggerated.
Also,
COMEDIAN - A must see movie with Jerry Seinfeld
A documentary ALL ABOUT the difficulty of stand up
he retired all his old comedy and started from scratch
You get to see how even the MASTER can screw up
Favorite comedians of mine : Jerry Seinfeld, David Chappelle and David Cross
Stand up comedy - I love
AS far as something I wrote, here's somethign. I can't even tell if it's funny anymore, I've read it over too many times. Its hard to write stuff when it loses its funny for you and you still have to keep reading it out and work on timing.
I’m a big food fan, I can’t really deny it. I'm especially a big critic on my hamburgers. Now as far as fast food hamburgers go, my favorite has to be a PAPA burger from A&W.
One thing that’s always stirred me though, is the way they market their chicken strips : CHUNKY CHICKEN.
Chunky? That’s no way to make a customer feel every time they order the chicken strips. Should their marketing scheme remain the same, I’m sure we’ll be seeing other great products from them in the future such as
Fat-ass Fillet
Portly Pitas
and for breakfast, Obese Omelets
|
| Erich |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 2:40:36 PM
guitarted,
thanks for the honest reply  I post these little bits in different places to see what the reactions will be, and i only get the two extremities: "thats the funniest thing i ever read!!!!!" (not to be modest, but ive read way funnier shit than what i wrote), and "eh".
One of my biggest passions is comedy; I consider stand up to be a dying art. i dont consider myself as to having writen anything until this past year though, when what you see was writen (along with a few others). So if what was written wouldnt work to an audience, Ive still the time to write more  .
And as for the big laughs on one liners... youre right, I dont find myself coming up with the big funny one liner that I always see comedians doing. But to the same extent, part of me never liked that. Ive always enjoyed the comedic storytelling of Carlin and the likes, where they carry the big joke on many little jokes (note: not comparing myself to carlin, though i will say hes a huge influence on my sense of humour). that type of comedy seems more consistent, but as you said, needs the proper tonality and delivery to make it work.
anyway, id love to check out what youve written if youre ever willing to share. To me, the only other thing as universal as music is laughter .
and blowjobs. cant forget the blowjobs. |
| guitarted |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 09:11:31 AM
I'm HUGE on comedy and I realize analyze the hell out of it. I've tried writtin stuff of my own and I will continue to write and refine until I'm SUPER confident in my act befofre I go for an amateur night.
Some of you writting is 'funny because its true' which is good. The worst is when someone tells a joke and you don't get it because you just can't relate. So you've got that.
Rather than big laughs on one liners, you have have an amusing anecdote allt he way through. While thsi may be good for an internet audience, I don't think it would cut it on a stage.
BUT - When someone reads it, they all read it in their own way which can make the material more or less funny. If you were really good with the appropriate pauses and how you said things, it could make ALL the difference.
But nice work! Keep brainstorming.
P.S. I've actually written something about the 'half ply' paper before. (IT'S GOLD JERRY, GOLD!!) |
| Robin |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 7:35:20 PM
O.K. I just innocently wandered in here to see if Erich had any suggestions for downloading Tim's music, (A suggestion by Fluffy)and I don't think I've laughed this hard in months, no kidding. Once I was In Italy at the airport "restroom", (though why they call it that I'll never know,the last thing I want to do in a public "restroom" is rest, I mean really). And just wanted to flush, the courteous thing to do, and the flush was this little tiny button on the wall behind me,which took FOREVER to find. Peace, Robin |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 1:57:01 PM
quote:
Originally posted by guitarted
bit?
Are you putting together a comedy act?
that depends only on if you found any of that funny |
| guitarted |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 09:29:48 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Erich
hah, thats great. I need to incorporate that into the toilet bit, along with my thoughts on Airplane toilets.
bit?
Are you putting together a comedy act? |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:37:16 AM
quote:
Originally posted by tericee
Great insights, Erich! I just wanted to add to your info with a little from the other side of the pond. (Mine will be nowhere near as entertaining, unfortunately.)
Have you ever been to Germany? They have quite the reputation for toilets as well. There is an entire website devoted to German toilets at
http://www.spies.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm
For some reason it completely neglects discussion of the German fanatacism about toilet brushes. It must be a national law or something because I have NEVER been in a German toilet stall that didn't have a toilet brush. Some stall even have signs reminding you to use the toilet brush to make life more pleasant for the next guy.
hah, thats great. I need to incorporate that into the toilet bit, along with my thoughts on Airplane toilets. |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:36:10 AM
The Language Barrier
You know those African tribes that only speak click-clack?
I wonder what would happen if you started playing the spoons near them.
Invention
Could Ron Popeil invent a device so useful, that he himself is no longer needed? |
| tericee |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:25:53 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Erich
I was recently inspired to recount my fond memories of the types of toilets that most fine public establishments have.
Great insights, Erich! I just wanted to add to your info with a little from the other side of the pond. (Mine will be nowhere near as entertaining, unfortunately.)
Have you ever been to Germany? They have quite the reputation for toilets as well. There is an entire website devoted to German toilets at
http://www.spies.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm
For some reason it completely neglects discussion of the German fanatacism about toilet brushes. It must be a national law or something because I have NEVER been in a German toilet stall that didn't have a toilet brush. Some stall even have signs reminding you to use the toilet brush to make life more pleasant for the next guy. |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:25:21 AM
Diets
Are you tired of diet plans that promise results, only to leave you as fat and unattractive as before? Well, Fatty McFatterson, Ive got the sollution for you! Partial-Birth Abortion is not only the quick and easy way to shed unsightly poundage, but its low in carbs too! remember, you cant spell GUILT without GUT!
But if third trimester abortions and other amputee dieting plans arent for you, you may want to try the new face of Anorexia: Atkins Veganism! Now you dont have to be afraid to not eat anything, since youre a carb counting animal rights activist! No more shame in hiding your desire to be superficialy attractive, now that PETA and an overweight dead guy are on your side!
Happy dieting, and remember: Its not what you cant eat, but what other people think of you! |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:11:31 AM
Hiccups
Why is it that everyone has their own cure for the hiccups, but it never works for you? Just cause your hiccups stop when you jump up and down while shoving marshmellows in your rectum and humming The Four Seasons: Winter, doesnt mean thats going to work for me. No really, it doesnt. |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:10:09 AM
Dog Shows
How boring of a person do you have to be to get any enjoyment out of this type of event? You have successfully bred, cross bred, and made the animal devoid of soul for your mindless enjoyment and mindless competition. Does it feel that good to know that your bitch was chosen out of 100 others just because it doesnt piss on the judge? I want to see some REAL action in dog shows, I want to see the fuckers maul eachother. I want to see a poodle gangraped by a group of seeing eye dogs, and I want to hear the comentary on it.
".. thats right Jim, the entire competition is feeling the loss of Moochie, our beloved pitbull. This year also marks the last year of Harold, the famed Golden Retriever, as hes been ordered to be put down next month. Now, we bring you to the... wait... whats going on... OH GOD, the American poodle is being attacked by the Black Labs from the Seeing Eye Dog convention!! Well, we're all too familiar with this, and... yep... here comes the squad. Well, that puts an end to Fluffy. This brings us to the Best In Show, now on to you Bob..." |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:08:10 AM
Sex
Back when Al Gore created the internet, the only things keeping it going were sex and Star Trek. It wasnt until the two worlds joined for Star Trek: The Next Penetration that things really started moving forward, and specialty sites such as elfsex.com came into being. this leads me to Fetish.
One of the most interesting ways humans have evolved sexualy is the concept of fetish. This, IMHO, is distinctly human, as you dont see dogs doing it human style. But my interests lie in how the extreme fetishes have developed, such as nailing your clitoris to your parents dinette set and having nubby marbles shoved up your ass by a midget dom in a latex Scooby Doo outfit.
Hott.
This was particularly previlant in a blind date I recently had. We were discussing Dickenson over a game of chess when the topic of sex arose. Well, ok, we were watching The Next Penetration (Set phasers for CUM!) over half cooked Swanson. It ended up like this:
Her: So, how about we go back to your room, i light up some candles, and then i shit on you.
Me: ... sorry, did you just say hit on me? Cause i couldve sworn we were past the whole flirting thing..
Her: No, i said shit on me baby, didnt you read my ad?
Me: Yeah, you said Fecal Connoisseur, but i thought you were like a compost manager at Knottsbury Farm!
Her: ... well, thats another way of putting it
Me: Oh god im gonna fucking hurl
Her: Yeah baby, all over me!!!
Thats the last time I let my mom set me up with someone.
Cleanliness in sex is a very big thing for me, which leads me to my next thing. Im sure most of you have been in situations where your girlfriend or wife tells you "hey, dont put the knife back in the mayo jar, its unclean!" or "it has GERMS!!". When my ex girlfriend told me that, I proceded to explain to her that she just sucked my dick. She layed her knees to the ground and prayed to my manly wonderment until i launched the equivilent of the entire population of a Guatamalan agricultural farm encaked in goo into her mouth. I then proceded to tell her that until the little critters hit the back of her throat, they were all alive. That put shit in perspective, but she never bought mayo again.
But to go back to the fetish thing, i believe that things have gotten to a very odd point in the further development of human sexuality. Take Objectum Sexuality for instance. Yes, it sounds like an outtake from the X rated version of Harry Potter and the Chambermaid's Secrets, but it is in actuality a real condition. Objectum Sexuality is defined as being emotionally and sexually attracted innanimate objects, such as televisions, tables, pianos, and former president Reagan. It wasnt until one woman stepped far passed the bounderies of social standards that this condition became moreso previlant in modern culture. What did she do?
She married the Berlin Wall. (1)
Mrs. Berliner-Mauer (Mrs. Berlin Wall) married the Berlin wall in... who cares, but she did. Following a very painful breakup on 11/09/89, she moved onto another relationship. This time she married a Guillotine. Unfortunatly there was another painful seperation, and she realized true love cant be stopped by even the highest walls. Unless thats who youre in love with.
As creepy as this may sound, it gets better. This, either directly or indirectly, spawned other dedication sites to people in love with innanimate objects, including the one and only Guide To How To Properly Fuck Your Car (2).
Yes folks, a guide exists on the do's and don'ts of car fucking, and how to get the most of your experience penetrating the tailpipe of your vehicle. Now, as crazy as this may be, the guide itself doesnt bother me. Its the people this particular guide is written for that scares the everloving shit out of me. Take, for example, the passage that states that you must never fuck your car while the engine is running. Until the moment I read that, I didnt think anyone would ever stick the sweet end of their manpole into a hot active automotive tailpipe, but Jesus never fails to deliver the smart ones. Maybe, just maybe, it actualy saved someone a whole mess of agrivation.
"Shit, this things supposed to be off? Whoooweee, that wouldve sucked, wouldnt it Travis?"
Because hicks usualy name their penis Travis.
Furthermore, the guide goes on to detail the precausionary messures one must take if a condom is not to be used. You heard that right, people fuck cars with condoms. CONDOMS. I must be out of the loop or something, does this mean if i cum in the tailpipe of a car that 9 months later i'll open the trunck and fine a new pair of roller skates? Does this mean that riding my bike is the objectum-sexual equivilent to pedophelia? Does a car fucker look at a bus filled with passengers and think "God you fucking WHORE!!!"?
Im sure this is most stressful for the wife of a closet objectum-sexual.
Carfucker: Honey, im leaving you for the Buick
Wife: Youre leaving in the Buick? Why, did you find someone else!?
Carfucker: No, honey, I said im leaving you FOR the Buick.
This makes leather clad clowns shaving my ass seem like Sunday at Church.
I thank you for reading through my look into sexual obscurity. Join me next time when I tackle other pressing sexual discussions that include, but are not limited to:
Gay Marriage vs. Fox Presents: Who Wants To Marry A Porn Star - Sanctity wha?
and
Raping Catholic 7 year olds - When Irony shouldnt be used.
(1) http://www.berlinermauer.se
(2) http://blackroses.textfiles.com/sex/sex-cars.faq |
| Erich |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 04:05:59 AM
Virginity
Of all the things you lose, virginity seems to be the one that youre never really willing to go out and find. But how do you actualy LOSE your virginity? Its not something that you drop, or misplace on the way to Denny's...
"Hi, id like to have a... shit, where'd my virginity go?"
"Did you leave it in the car?"
"I didnt leave it in the fucking car, why would I do that?"
"I dunno, but youre not borrowing mine again"
Its actualy a misnomer to say you lost your virginity, when all youre doing is GIVING it to someone else. But thats also tricky. Do you trust this person well enough to treat your virginity right? Will this person squander it away compulsivly in las vegas, then look for another virginity to replace yours?
For example. Lets say you give your virginity to Cassandra, and she gives her virginity to you. Now, you have Cassandra's virginity. You go off and give Cassandra's virginity to Arlene, who, while vacationing in majorca, aquires Fausto's virginity and subsequently passes it on to you. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Cassandra gives your virginity to Marco, who gives her nothing in return because he lost his. Your virginity then gets passed to Johanne, Charles, Lincoln, and through an interesting turn of events, Rüüma, the Estonian pro-wrestler. Now, you have Fausto's virginity, Rüüma has your virginity, and Fausto is empty handed. What needs to occur then is a threesome, diffusing Faustos virginity through Rüüma back to him, and passing yours to you, leaving Rüüma with nothing.
The moral is, if you dont keep track of your virginity, you end up getting fucked. |
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