| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Jay |
Posted - 12/29/2003 : 8:33:43 PM
Sometimes it feels like life grabs you by the balls, other times life just holds them. Either way you're screwed.
Somebody asked me what my goal in life was, and I stumbled a bit. Then I realized what I live for, and that's just to make people happy and maybe brighten someone's day every day that I can. And I've really tried, I've tried pretty damn hard. I always look out for friends, and I look out for people that aren't friends. For a person to have no goals in life other than to spread a little joy to others is, I think, a pretty big undertaking. I truly could care less where life takes me, I just want to help others as much as I can along the way. To have one set goal in life is like saying, "Once I get there, it's done." You have nothing left to live for. I'm trying to make the most of this. I'm just trying to make people happy, and just trying to be there for people. And I am, always. At least I try my absolute hardest to be there. But the part that I don't get is that people don't recognize it for what it is. Now, I'm not in any way trying to say that I'm doing this just so people will be nice to me. I'm not doing this for any kind of gain other than the fact that I will know that I'm helping out. But christ, I'd expect a little thanks now and then for all this shit I try to do for other people. I'd expect a little love, not just shoving me off and using me for entertainment. I guess no one takes it seriously enough. Nad so, after countless agrivations and pointless outstreaching of a caring hand, I've come to the conclusion that I am nothing. I mean something to no one. Everything I've tried to do, every time I've cheerd someone up, gave them advice, or helped out in any way I could it has meant nothing. It may seem kind of egotistical for me to say that, but I've realized that everything I've worked for means absolutly nothing, to anyone. It's pointless. Here I am, trying to be as amiable as I can, trying to do whatever I can as often as I can, but the end result is constant. It's unnoticed, forgotten, ignored, and filed away in the rusty drawers of the human mind. I'm not saying that I ask for anything in return, I never do and to tell the truth I really don't want anything. But the fact that all I live for ultimately means jack shit is quite possibly the most depressing thing I've ever had to face. But this will fall down to the bottom of the list, just like everything else. But I feel a little better now, cause you guys care a little, which is something that's pretty hard for me to find now. Thanks Tim...
I'm gonna go to bed, man. |
| 9 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| PJK |
Posted - 01/08/2004 : 10:55:32 PM
Jay, trust me, things WILL get better! I promise you that. What you are feeling is pretty normal, especially at your age. Hope is always there, you just may have to look harder to feel it.
Unfortunately positives and negatives of the world are not equal. They don't balance out automatically. If you don't believe me think of this, someone says something good about you. You feel great, but it doesn't last real long. On the other hand, someone says something hurtful, just a brief statement, and the hurt can last all day, or days/weeks or longer. A very small amount of negative takes a whole lot of positive to balance it out.
You aren't secure with who you are because you don't know who you really are, and that too is normal. It takes years to "find" yourself, and I am not even sure we can ever really find ourselves completely. Middle school and high school are the roughest years for peer pressures. Assholes abound in great numbers, students and teachers. After high school people either don't give a shit or they are more accepting of others.
You can't change the things people say and do, but you can change how you respond to them. Don't give up on your school work, screwing up now will be something you will regret later. Try to avoid people and situations that get you down. I know that is easier said then done.
I don't know how the weather has been where you live, but Jan-March where I live can be stressful. Its long, cold and often cloudy and depressing. It won't cause how you feel, but can add to the "bummer" feeling.
I know guys "aren't supposed to cry" but really, someTIMes a good cry helps. No one ever needs to know.
So try to cheer up. Write down goals or dreams you have. Even ones that seem impossible to achieve and read the list often. I would suggest keeping it where your nosey sister-in-law can't find it though. Hang in there Jay! If all else fails remember that there are people here who really care about you. I know I am one of them!
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| Jay |
Posted - 01/08/2004 : 9:09:09 PM
Well...if there's one good thing that's come out of all this...It's made me appreciate friends a lot more...I'm talking about the one or two people that I am close to and can count on...I guess I think too much...
It's one thing to say "people are assholes" People are assholes, yes. But it's more than that, it's pure cruelty...People forgo others just so they could get ahead, it happens everywhere and every day, and we're all guilty of it. I can't stand it anymore...The issue never was that I wasn't appreciated, it was that there is no appreciation to begin with...I don't deserve appreciation, I'm a sinkhole with no direction in life. I'm just trying to regroup here and find something that's worth it...I thought I found myself, but as it turns out I didn't. While I'm not saying that I'm totally different, I am saying that there's a lot to me that I've forgotten about and that I need to find that again.
So aboot my friends...They're the most important thing to me right now...There's two of them that I have in mind especially...I'm amazed that they even stick with me...But I've kind of run out of things to live for, ya know? There's nothing left for me...Everything has run out, there's no more joy...It's getting better thanks to them just being there, they're what I live for right now...I'm not saying anything about suicide, I love living too much to even think about that, but I am saying that I'm pretty close to the edge right now...This is all so confusing, I know, but i'm in a situation now where my thoughts are going too fast for me to express them...All I can say for sure is that I'm turning primitive, school doesn't matter as much, I just want to be on my own, I sort of have an urge to get away from everything, but I can't. There's too much hate, to much deciveing, too much of everything, and its all making me insane...Jay's breaking down and I can't even explain why...I know why, but I just can't express it...god dammit...The cat'll sleep in the mailbox and never go to town until we bury every dream in the cold cold ground...I just kinda lost hope, I guess, and I don't even want to dump this shit on my friends...I can dump it here because it can be ignored...If I bring this up face to face with a close friend, it's like I'm asking them to feel sorry for me...I can't do that...Used to be that all the answers were in me, but there aren't any now...At least that I can find...I have way too many thoughts swimming around in my head to even begin to comprehend the answers...I just need to smoke up and chill out for a while with my buddies, relax and go through what took me four years to find all over agian...I really wish I could say all of this clearer, but it's too difficult because every statement brings up more thoughts and feelings...Thanks for letting me complain, it helps a lot... |
| Jay |
Posted - 12/31/2003 : 3:07:08 PM
Thanks...I'm almost speachless...I can't even begin to say how much this all means to me...I told Pam that everyone here seems closer adn more supportive than people I've known my entire life...I'm starting to feel a lot better about this, I'm gonna keep going and doing the same thing I've been doing, not gonna stop...I really wish I could say more but I'm totally stuck for words right now...Thanks everyone, like I said before I can't even begin to say how much you all mean to me, really it's more than can be put into words... |
| tericee |
Posted - 12/31/2003 : 03:45:52 AM
quote:
Originally posted by thomasode
Jay, first off, watch the movie It's a Wonderful Life a perfect example. Second of all, Man you are one of the nicest and kindest people I have ever crossed paths with. I just wanna say that you have made my life a hell of alot better and a hell of alot funnier. Thanks man. I think everyone on the board shares the same thoughs as I do, your kindness and your amazing humor makes my day, and I am sure you are making HUGE inpacts in people's lives every day.
That's exactly what I was thinking, Thomasode. Well said!
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| thomasode |
Posted - 12/30/2003 : 5:09:12 PM
quote:
Originally posted by KevinLesko
Jay, another way of looking at the question of life is posing the question, "Have I made a difference?" or "If I was never around, would people's lives be the same?"
Jay, first off, watch the movie It's a Wonderful Life a perfect example. Second of all, Man you are one of the nicest and kindest people I have ever crossed paths with. I just wanna say that you have made my life a hell of alot better and a hell of alot funnier. Thanks man. I think everyone on the board shares the same thoughs as I do, your kindness and your amazing humor makes my day, and I am sure you are making HUGE inpacts in people's lives every day. |
| KevinLesko |
Posted - 12/30/2003 : 02:57:24 AM
Jay, another way of looking at the question of life is posing the question, "Have I made a difference?" or "If I was never around, would people's lives be the same?" I am almost certain the answers to those questions would be that you have made a difference in this world... and you have altered people's lives for the better. Whether or not the people have recognized it, or whether or not you have been recognized for this is not really of importance to me when thinking about this, the bottom line is that you have helped others, and the fact that those people's lives have been changed for ever, is basically a way of your name living on as long as they do. Just because they might not know it, doesn't mean it never happened. It did happen, I know it has happened. I really hope is at least making some sense... I wish we could have an actual face to face conversation about this because it is a bit hard to get my sentiments across through typing. Also, I second Pam's sentiment: We do care, and we are there for ya man... As I've said before, this place is closer than some families I know.
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| genome |
Posted - 12/30/2003 : 12:18:44 AM
i used to struggle with life purpose
i'd ask why am i here
then recently i approached another subject and finding it's answer provided a backdoor to the answer to the above
ask what would i do if i was eternal
what would be my goals
given all the time in the world there are many things i should hope to do which i won't mention here
that is my answer to why i am here
now the struggle is not why i am here but to do what i know i am here for |
| Zachmozach |
Posted - 12/29/2003 : 11:12:50 PM
Not to get religous, but as an exmple look at christ. He took the worlds sins upon him and did that which no one else could do and look what happened to him. Crucified, spit upon, etc. It just seems to be the way of this world sometimes. Just remember that even though you may never feel appreciated someone out there has got feel the love you've offered them. As you said though there really aren't rewards for what you're doing. It can be very depressing. Hope things turn around though. |
| PJK |
Posted - 12/29/2003 : 10:11:33 PM
You're wrong Jay, we care a lot!
I actually know what you mean because I feel the same way you do about helping people. I am convinced I can do anything I set my mind to do. If I truly wanted to be a millionaire I would be. Fact is except to pay my bills money doesn't mean jack shit to me.
I have held many jobs in my life time. My first job was in a toy dept of a Woolworths store. That was followed by a job in a pet shop, then a make-up factory (which felt like a womens prison!) and then a dept. store.
Then I went to college to be a veterinary technician. After college I spent 3 years working in veterinary hospitals and 7 years in agricultural research.
When my youngest child was in kindergarten I started working for the schools. Yep, I was a cafeteria lady for awhile, then went to work in the middle school as a building aid and finally worked up to my job as an instructional assistant in special ed. (7th and 8th grades)
I had a good time at all my jobs (except the make up factory which was like the prison, I sure could tell ya stories about that place), anyhow, like you I just like helping people.
Someone at work gave me a keychain that said "I smile because I have no clue what is going on." They gave it to me because I am always smiling. I have had kids ask me why I smile so much and I tell them because its a choice and it's as easy to smile as it is to frown.
I have touched many lives. There are so many kids and adults that just need someone to care about them and that is something I can do. Yes it can be a thankless "job" just trying to help people but I do get back far more than I give.
I am sorry you feel that no one gives a shit about you or the things you do. The truth is I bet there are many people who you have helped that are very thankful. Sometimes people just don't express it. My guess is you make a bigger impact on people's lives than you think you do.
That was one of the blessings that came out of having cancer. I can't tell you how many cards I got from friends and co-workers who told me things they would never have told me if not for this cancer. I never realized I had an impact on so many people the way I did. I am sure the same is true for you!
Interacting with people and caring about people is what life is all about. Everything else is just icing on the cake. Music does so much for people. It lifts our spirits when we're down, motivates us, connects us with others. What I wrote about TIM on the TIM side of the board is true, he created a family here with his music. TIM is a very caring person. I doubt he gets thanked very much for all the effort he puts into his music.
Everyone here is special to me and I think the world of you Jay.
Don't stop being who you are because you feel it isn't appreciated by anyone because the world needs people like you who do care!
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn't help out a man when I could easily have done so. It was about 5 years ago. I was in a grocery store and I got in the check-out line and this young man was in front of me with his little son, who looked to be about 5 years old. Anyway he didn't have a lot but when it came time to pay he wanted to write a check. Well the store wouldn't accept it because he had no major credit card or drivers license. There was a whole scene that went on and people in the line were getting mad because it was taking so long. The man ended up putting some things back and only taking what he had cash for. Now, the whole time I thought I should just pay for this guys stuff because it was only about $20 worth and that would hardly have hurt me. I wanted to speak up but I didn't and to this day I regret that. Why I stayed silent is beyond me. I will never forget the guy trying to explain things to his son.
Keep on being you Jay. Keep on helping people and being nice. Its a choice. It may bring you down to feel you are not appreciated, but it will bring you down even more to do what I did and pass up on an opportunity to help someone.
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