| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Jay |
Posted - 05/06/2003 : 7:14:06 PM
Here it is, in it's current extent!!! Read if you DARE!!!!!
(Somehow you can tell when my piece is thrown in  )
I felt like a steaming pile of horse shite in the sun, and Digging through that heap of...shite...I found a small woman...So, not know what to do with this shite-woman, I set her on the pile of...shite...and began giving her CPR. She wasn't responding, so...I poked her in the eye with a stick.And sure enough, she was still dead, and I thought... wow, that's kinda sick.... but oh well!...the genie's voice boomed, "Forrest Gump! With your last wish, you have asked to be reunited with your dead girlfriend, Jen-nay. Your wish is granted!"... Jenny and I ended up back at my place and stayed up all night playing Twister. Because my night with Jenny didn't include much sleeping, I decided to stay in bed all day. The phone rang at dusk, and it was some friends inviting me to the beach. It was great, the air was cool and crisp but we built this huge bonfire on the beach so we felt warm. Or maybe it was just the thought of being with Jenny last night that was keeping me hot, I don't know.
There's something very mesmerizing about fire! Watching the flames dance I thought life can't get better than this! All my friends were gathered around telling each other what types of drugs they had tried before. They asked me, and I told them only one. Being the potheads that they were, all of them were surprised by this. I then proceeded to tell them my story of the ONE time I dropped acid, as I saw it. Let's see here. Well, first I killed my bastard neighbor. The old one that took too many pills. The shakey one that was always saying " Where's ma damn Codiene?" Even though she didn't take codiene. She was the one that was building that monstrous tank around her property so that the "Bison" would stay out of her tobbacco field. So I had to install her new electric fence, which she insisted was to be used to guard against the barbarians, who she had fitted with the electrode collars earlier that year while she was travelling in the Nord province of Boorshikjavic. I entered her house, and, as large as it was, I discovered to my utter suprise that her entire rear wall was covered in what apeared to be shrunken human heads. She told me that they were her little friends and that no matter how many times she buried them they kept coming back. She attempted to give me one, aptly named "Kevin II" Was there another Kevin? She then offered me a tour of her property, which I immee'jit'ly declined. Her right ear began to slide down her face, so she slid it back up as if it always happened. She told me to sit at her table, which happened to be made of dried dung. She chatted with me for a moment, and then, with both hands grabbing hold of the edge of the dung-table, she slowly rose up...SNAP...btoh arms come off at the sockets. She lurches over to the cupboard and opens it with her long, pointed nose. She bites the edge of a cup and with a flick of her neck, sends it flying in my direction. I noticed that ALL of her cups had parts of the rim chipped off from her dentures
(good adhesive, eh?) clamping down on them like a giant, elderly shark grabs a fish. She began chucking more glasses at me, and I was beginnign to grow terrified. So, I grabbed Kevin II, and looked for the nearest object I could use to dipose of the old lady. Her arms were still holding on to the edge of the table, bent at the elbows. I decided to kill her with her own arm. I tried pulling it off, but with glass flying at you it's hard. I had to hit the clamped fingers with Kevin II. I just swung him by the hair with one hand, while pulling on the arm with the other. I finally succeded in tearing it's death-grip away form the dung table, by accually tearing a chunk off. The rectangularly-shaped chunk of turd was still being held in the hand. I swung the arm at the old lady, who was still busy trying to hit me with a cup. She went down so fast and easy. I didn't know where to put her, so I left her on the floor. THen I installed the fence, and proceeded to the shed. I open the door, and inside...were rats. I HATE RATS! NO ONE BELEIVES ME! I TOLD OL' DAVY I'D SHOOT, BUT HEDIDN'T BELIEVE ME! NO! LOOK WHERE IT GOT HIM! I HATE THE DAMN BEASTS! and thats the story of how i found out i was born with a tail. How many times do I have to tell people, I hate rats! If I was on Fear Factor that would be me, the one in the pit full of rats! Damnit does no one take me seriously? To top it off my boss is such a fucking asshole he thinks it is real funny to make rat jokes and leave dead rats on my desk just to piss me off.
I knew one day he would push me too far and I'd lose it! Sure enough it happened....So i was sitting there at work, when the boss came up to me, and, I swear this is true, threw a dead rat on me. I grabbed it and bit its head off just to show my disgust, and ripped the tail off. I then proceeded to kill the boss. Then I realized...with no boss there is no work. So seeing as how it was only fifteen minutes into the work day, I walked out of the office, rat blood coagualting on my chin. How was your day off? I never thought I would end up dead at the end of the day, but thats just what happened. I was out for a leisurely day of fishing all by my lonesome. I fished and fished with little to no luck, but I did manage to catch a few salmons. As the day wore on and the sun beat down on me, I decided it was TIMe for some alcohol. I love the extra burst of buzz you get when you drink beer thru a straw in the hot sun at such high altitudes. Did I mention I was fishing in the mts? Anyway, I began to get woozey and drowzy and began to fall in and out of consciousness. I think I was starting to hallucinate and the smell of the fish was definitely starting to get to me. I am still not sure if it was a dream or a hallucination, but all I can remember is..."As the sky faded from a deep salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought about the salmon I caught that day, and how gray he was, and how i named him flint."
As i was reading through my book of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, I couldn't help but think about going out and fishing since the day outside was more beautiful than the last day before this one. I thought to myself that day, 'one day, i can write like Hemingway once did back in the day when he lived and wrote every day with the same monotonous sentence about the the two days he thought were so beautiful...back in the day.'
That's when i was crossing the dirt road and some asshole, who's wife I "had an affair with", blindsided me with his old chevy pickup. My skull cracked instantly on his windshield and the hemmorage was too much for the rest of my body to handle. So then i must have died because i found myself at the gates of hell where some tall dude with horns and a pimp pitchfork or something and he was like, "Hey, big guy...so, your best friends wife. wow. Good job, i'd say you fixed HER cable!" as he casually signed me off at his magma-podium. (what?) So he opened the gate and there i was. I had just crossed hell's threshold.
Hey look, some faces from the past appeared in a corner before me...So there I was.......in hell swapping stories with Hitler, Attila the Hun, Superman, and Frank Sinatra. Superman had just finished telling his story about breaking a prostitute in half for making a crack about him being faster than a speeding bullet. Now it was my turn.....(uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) Boy do I have a story for you..... it was the STRANGEST day of my life...After consuming all of my electronic equipment, I decided on going for a nice long walk to the burning pile of tires. I arrived after stabbing myself in the eye 87 times with a dull butterknife and swallowing three grapes. As i approached, a portly woman, aptly named " Fatima" charged up to me with alarming velocity and speed. THe ground shook underneath her massive weight. Her feet were jammed into size four baby shoes. She was six foot thirteen and weighed 954.3 pounds. She was carrying in her forearms a massive cast iron couldron, from which a wonderful smelling, brown, viscous gravy was bubbling forth. She noticed me , and said, " Partying again, Eh?" I was astounded. She walked over to an enormous bunson burner, set said cast iron couldron on it and began stirring it with a canoe paddle. I couldn't hold back. I approached the cast iron couldron, and inside was brown viscous gravy...In which were floating lean chunks of red meat, meticulously chisled to look like former presidents of the United States. There were little potatoes that looked like rocks, and carrots that looked like the Exxon Veldez...and the garlic...oh the garlic...oh the garlic...I got a bowl and spoon and prepared to dive in...She said "Wait a minute asshole, get the Hell offa my pile 'o' burnin' tires!" She stuck a plug of Coppenhagen between her cheek and gum as a smile came to her tobbacco stained lips. She grabbed that canoe paddle and began chasing me about the pile of burning tires. I thought....Women. You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. And they can't live with your benders.Sometimes when I am on one of my benders, I forget to bathe and brush my teeth. There is nothing worse than day 4 of a really good bender when I am reeking and breathing noxious fumes. For some reason it really bothers my girlfriend. I just don't get it, but it really seems to bother her. So......My girlfriend left me, so i figured i got to get rid of my stash and clean up a bit. well can't let those drugs and beers go to waste...
I had been poppin' pills and drinkin' alcohol all morning, and the next thing I knew I was standing in front of the local library in the rain. It was raining like a bitch one day. So i went to my local library where i remembered i had a book...I was reading through my book of world religions and came upon hinduism. Well i tried to imagine what it would be like to live in india as a hindu, in the days of gandhi...Here in the crowds were tons of mangy cows walking around. In the Hindu religion the cow is a sacred animal which is not to be eaten or harmed in anyway. Seeing all these cows walking around made me hungry. ....All I wanted was a big juicy rare cheeseburger. Although, seeing as how I was in INDIA this was a little hard to come across so I...Stopped in the local McDonalds for a coke and a burger, damned Maharaja Mac's! Left still feeling hungry.Those veggie burgers just didn't do it for me, so i hoped a plane and..Having completed my mission, I went to Chhatrapati Shivaji Int'l Airport (formerly called Sahar International Airport) to find the next plane to the good old US of A -- where you can actually find BEEF at McDonalds. It was a 12 hour plane ride back to the states from India. We took off about 20 minutes ago and I was already feeling bored. It was then that I spotted the Hottest Gurus of Sri Lanka special issue. I could tell that the guy I was sitting next to on the airplane was having a problem with what I was doing, so I looked at him and yelled....Masturbation is FUN!!! ...and on my 5th birthday i realized several things, one of which was that...I like to drink beer.
After walking into the 10th "Nudie Man" bar by mistake (I thought they said "Needy Man" bar...after all, I was a man and I needed a drink), I decided that I needed to update my reading abilities, so I called 1-800-ABCDEFG.....HOOKED ON PHONICS works for me! Well, I had just completed my hooked on phonics course and grabbed the first thing I could try to read...i read in the paper this huge advertisement, and it said in huge letters "PENIS." Confused and bewildered i looked into it more. The competition at the Periodic Evil Nerd International Summit, or PENIS for short, was heating up...I realized my team was way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions, so I went to give the weather machine division a hard time. Their division leader saw me coming and tossed the machine at me with an evil grin. With no regard to etiquette, he triple dog dared me to turn it on. I was expressionless for a moment, then decided...wtf...So i set the weather machine to "frost," and the sun went away. cold clouds and winds came a blowing, and summer became winter...And it's snowing like hell, so.........I was overwhelemed with relief when that Backstreet Boys song ended, so I sat in anticipation hoping for a good song. i couldn't stand hearing that N-sync song anymore more, so i flipped the dial on the radio and got to WREN...Wow! It was already time for WRED announce the winner of it's "Lunch with a Communist Leader" contest...would I get the call? then the phone rang...it was fidel wanting to meet for some cuba libre's...i was about to get on the plane when this female security guard stopped to search me...we went to this dark room when she says "let me take off your shoes"....So I said "Hey! That's not my left shoe. That's my elbow." Flaming Moe anyone? I had a sudden craving for french fries, but I was banned from the local McDonalds after the whole "faking-the-condom-in-the-burger" incident. The local safeway was closed for repairs. So there i was, just trying to get the potatoes out of the garden when all of a sudden the damned backhoe went out of control! It's like it had a mind of it's own, and a few minutes later...I was driving my backhoe down the road...then I stopped at a stop light, listening to Phish, eating a mushroom sandwich, and playing a 86 string banjo. man was I stoned! So there we were, me and james brown sitting together after finishing a few beers. What do to do now... So we got up and took to the piano...we were trying to write a song together and it got a little out of hand...after i fell asleep naked on top of the piano, i started dreaming that i was playing a messy game of twister...i yelled "right hand to blue circle!" but the twister board had pizza sauce all over it ~ it was too late ~ most of our clothes were saucy ~ into the wash they went ~ but the game continued only increasing in it's intensaty....we were all beginning to run out of underwear so.......We all got out these socks and put them on our private parts. pretty soon...We were sick and tired of masturbating...so we found these hookers, and gave them 20 bucks each so they could do us a "favor." After we got our lap dances, we decided we were gettin' pretty freakin' hungry so...we ate at the resturant beside the doughnut shoppe..but we were getting drunk quickly so we headed for the car...So she told me "Watch out for the cop!! You got to clear some of those beer bottles out of the front seat!" What did you say? So I said, "If you're running from the cops, you gotta do it with style." it was crazy, going 90 mph getting a blowjob. I swear we JUST missed hitting that troop of midgets. Did anything happen to the car? STOLEN...just goes to show, it's true. |
| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| tim~and~dave |
Posted - 05/08/2003 : 11:56:28 PM
[quote]Originally posted by Jay
tim~and~dave, i must congradulate you for one of the best threads EVER!!! Hilarious...You DID start it, didn't you?/quote]
yes that was me i believe |
| Jay |
Posted - 05/08/2003 : 7:02:37 PM
tim~and~dave, i must congradulate you for one of the best threads EVER!!! Hilarious...You DID start it, didn't you? |
| victorwootenfan |
Posted - 05/08/2003 : 11:47:09 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Jay
So there we were, me and james brown sitting together after finishing a few beers. What do to do now...
Haha, that was my fav. thing that i wrote, me and james brown at the piano. "Sexmachine!" |
| Miss Sorrel |
Posted - 05/08/2003 : 09:17:27 AM
Whew... psycho..... 
Hey, at least you used punctuation! |
| tim~and~dave |
Posted - 05/07/2003 : 11:21:19 PM
Copyright of ME!! |
| thomasode |
Posted - 05/07/2003 : 7:40:57 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Arthen
Wow. 86 String banjo. We are a special kind of crazy here on the bored.
Hell ya, That was ME!
crazy....I THINK SO HAHAHA! |
| Miss Sorrel |
Posted - 05/07/2003 : 4:25:24 PM
Brilliant... with the diversity on this board, we sure collaborate and make some beautiful literature.... |
| Jay |
Posted - 05/07/2003 : 3:23:37 PM
I forget who said that one...That's hysterical, though! I can keep updating this every time someone posts on that topic if you'd like. |
| Arthen |
Posted - 05/07/2003 : 03:20:11 AM
Wow. 86 String banjo. We are a special kind of crazy here on the bored. |
| tericee |
Posted - 05/07/2003 : 01:23:51 AM
WOW |
| victorwootenfan |
Posted - 05/06/2003 : 9:57:25 PM
you win jay, you win. that's all i can say. Good Job Man! |
| thomasode |
Posted - 05/06/2003 : 8:57:50 PM
HAHA thats awesome Jay! |
| Jay |
Posted - 05/06/2003 : 8:30:27 PM
in case you ahven't noticed, this is the reverse thread in... fore-verse? |
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