| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/15/2002 : 11:30:50 AM
... wearing saran wrap for pants. The doctor comes out and says "I can clearly see you're nuts"
 |
| 50 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/23/2002 : 5:59:38 PM
No.....I just though my two characters would act it out for you. |
| Fluffy |
Posted - 10/23/2002 : 07:34:46 AM
Touche, are we getting a little touchy? |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/23/2002 : 01:27:33 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Fluffy
Don't they also call that a DUEL?
Yes. With DUAL swords. |
| enthuTIMsiast |
Posted - 10/23/2002 : 01:01:55 AM
Well I have something better to do. |
| Fluffy |
Posted - 10/22/2002 : 11:15:02 PM
I bet you can still INDIVIDUALLY delete 200 posts. If you are so inclined and really have nothing better to do.
pcbdmb said:quote:
Ahhhhh....looks like a good ole-fashioned swordfight! En Guard!
Don't they also call that a DUEL? |
| enthuTIMsiast |
Posted - 10/20/2002 : 1:30:35 PM
quote:
Can you not post 200 times and delete them all at once now?
Aaah, silly Silky. I could never delete them all at once, so I'm afraid I'll have to say that I don't know about what you're talking. hehe
|
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/20/2002 : 12:58:28 PM
What do you mean that Jon spoiled your fun? Can you not post 200 times and delete them all at once now? |
| enthuTIMsiast |
Posted - 10/20/2002 : 01:33:14 AM
Well, you have taken so many from the team that I thought it was only fair... |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/19/2002 : 11:18:49 PM
Good job Jason. Now he's gonna dillywhap you instead of me. Way to take one for the team. |
| enthuTIMsiast |
Posted - 10/19/2002 : 7:47:38 PM
hehe..I had to get some company on here...and since jon foiled my old way of doing it (post whoring always brought people out... I had to resort to that... |
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/19/2002 : 7:33:45 PM
Hey now... |
| enthuTIMsiast |
Posted - 10/19/2002 : 5:20:02 PM
I think he might be scared of you pcbdmb. He ran off like a little girlie. |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 10:11:42 PM
Ahhhhh....looks like a good ole-fashioned swordfight! En Guard! |
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 10:08:36 PM
quote:
That's right! You better be sorry bitch!!.......
Cruisin for a mushroom bruisin Patrick... don't make me whip out this hog... |
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 9:09:00 PM
*flies buzz over the remains, a crow pecks at HTG's remains* |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 9:07:58 PM
*spits on body and walks away* |
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 9:05:25 PM
*headless body collaspes to the ground in a heap* |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 9:02:50 PM
*pulls out shotgun and blows HTG's head off for being so annoying* |
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 8:58:14 PM
ooooooo, think your a tough guy huh?
*Elbows pcbdmb across the face* |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 8:55:55 PM
http://www.timreynolds.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=638&whichpage=1&SearchTerms=gum |
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 8:53:01 PM
YES! I DID FORGET!!!
*Smackes pcbdmb again* |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 8:50:09 PM
All right......that's it bitch. You're going down! Or have you already forgotten what I did to crash258? |
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 8:39:25 PM
*Smackes pcbdmb*  |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 8:37:28 PM
quote:
Originally posted by HispanicTeenGuitarist
quote:
That's right! You better be sorry bitch!!.......
He wouldnt talk to me like that.
"Are yous talking to me?! Are yous talking to me?! Because yous definetely not talking to him!"
Ahhhhhhhh....those two gay guys from Seinfeld are hilarious. |
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 8:14:34 PM
quote:
That's right! You better be sorry bitch!!.......
He wouldnt talk to me like that. |
| Fluffy |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 5:04:33 PM
Actually, I think he was speaking to Silky with the "BITCH". Just my perception though, I could be wrong.
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy          |
| PJK |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 4:55:51 PM
Hey, who are you calling a bitch???Hummmmmm???? Me....oh....damn! Hehehe...
|
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/18/2002 : 07:18:58 AM
That's right! You better be sorry bitch!!.......hehe.....wow, who would have thought that being an asshole could be so much fun?!
"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor's a lot like a woman: you just have to read the manual and push the right button." - Homer |
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/17/2002 : 11:57:16 AM
quote:
Uhhhhhhh yeah.......just go to www.cliffsnotes.com and type in "I'm an idiot".....that should work.
I'm going to go sit in the corner now... and read it...
sorry...
|
| __________ |
Posted - 10/17/2002 : 08:32:34 AM
that is a funny skit, but by far, not the funniest work of monty python. but funny nonetheless.
|
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/17/2002 : 06:14:53 AM
LOL. Have a flamingmoejoe.
"Oh come on boy think-what would Jesus do? He'd shake his head like an angry mother Smoke the boy and said I did what I could do." DMB-Raven |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/17/2002 : 03:19:03 AM
Uhhhhhhh yeah.......just go to www.cliffsnotes.com and type in "I'm an idiot".....that should work.
But if you're too lazy to do that, maybe I can get Erich to put the skip up on the TR site. I think I have it somewhere on my hard drive........
"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor's a lot like a woman: you just have to read the manual and push the right button." - Homer |
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/17/2002 : 12:15:14 AM
Is it worth reading? Are there cliff's notes for it?
|
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 11:53:51 PM
Monty Python's Killer Joke skit.......whadya think?
"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor's a lot like a woman: you just have to read the manual and push the right button." - Homer |
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 9:19:13 PM
Pcbdmb...what in the HELL was that.
"Oh come on boy think-what would Jesus do? He'd shake his head like an angry mother Smoke the boy and said I did what I could do." DMB-Raven |
| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 8:41:20 PM
(Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)
Voice Over : This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.
(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)
Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...
(Ernest's mother (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices thepiece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)
Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.
(About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)
Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.
Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.
(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)
Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke washurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.
(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)
(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)
Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.
(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.
Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.)
Generals: Fantastic.
Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.
Colonel: All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital· But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.
(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes· Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)
Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...
Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.
Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)
Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider just couldn't match.
Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.
SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'
Voice Over: In action it was deadly.
(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)
Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)
Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.)
Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.
(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.)
Nazi: Vott is the big joke?
Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?
Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.
Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?
Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)
Nazi: Gott in Himell; that's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.
Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.
Nazi: Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.
(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)
Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.
(They stop tickling him)
Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.
(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)
Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja!... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)
Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!
(Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.)
Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.)
Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.
(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)
German Joker: Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
He finishes and looks hopeful.
Otto: We let you know.
(He shoots him.
Film of German scientists.)
Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.
(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)
Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
(Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)
Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'.
Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)
"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor's a lot like a woman: you just have to read the manual and push the right button." - Homer |
| Jamie M |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 8:39:51 PM
I like the two UK jokes best.
quote:
Canadians laughed least.
Very strange. My best guess is we just have such a unique sense of humour that no one gets us. They must have been telling the wrong jokes because we love to laugh.
Or maybe we're just so much smarter than the rest of the world that your jokes are boring...hehehe
|
| PJK |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 8:34:04 PM
Silky, I agree with __________that the American jokes were the funniest, but some how saying "does that duck have a mother" doesn't make the joke funny...HeHeHe! I think I will quit while I'm ahead and refrain from telling any more jokes!
|
| __________ |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 8:15:16 PM
PJK no big deal, not the first time i haven't gotten a joke.
and Silky, your last post is funny to me simply because the jokes that should be funny to americans actually are funny to at least this American. most of the other ones (in the geographical categories) weren't funny. interesting.
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| PJK |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 8:03:12 PM
Sorry about the joke guys. It was one from my days in agricultural research....guess it is funnier when you actually work with livestock on a daily basis, or maybe the job just sucked so bad that we thought just about anything was funny. It still makes me laugh because I remember the guy who told it and the people who were there at the time. Again, sorry...
|
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 7:47:32 PM
Ahh... found it. Like I said, it's not really that funny. I guess other people are just stupid.
LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science ( news - web sites) asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"
The survey revealed other fun facts:
-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
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| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 7:43:13 PM
Oh... just saying that the calf came over and mistook the man's penis for his mother's milky nipple. I dunno... that one didn't really do it for me.
On another note, did you all hear that (I'm being completely serious) some psychologists abroad did a study to find out what the funniest joke in the world is? I can't remember what it is off the top of my head, but it was a bit of a let down. I'll see if I can hunt it down a little later, or you can probably find it on cnn.com.
|
| __________ |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 7:34:16 PM
quote:
"What happened?" asks the farmer. "Did one of those bees sting you?"
"No" the man gaspes, "but does that calf have a mother?"
That one.
|
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 7:28:41 PM
Uhhh... which one don't you boys get?
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| pcbTIM |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 6:33:43 PM
Yeah.......I think I'm going to be breaking that rule too by saying...
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor's a lot like a woman: you just have to read the manual and push the right button." - Homer |
| __________ |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 6:25:02 PM
quote:
23. You aren't allowed to admit that you don't get someone else's joke.
|
| PJK |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 4:18:56 PM
A man goes to look at a farm that's for sale. After looking at the barn and house he walks out front and is ready to make an offer when he sees a huge beehive in a tree in the pasture next to the house.
The man says to the farmer "I can't buy your farm, I am deathly allergic to bees."
"Oh those are the friendliest bees in the world...they won't sting."
said the farmer to the man.
The farmer could see the man was not satisfied with that so he decided to make him an offer.
"I'll make a deal with you," he told the man. "Take off all of your clothes and I will tie you to that tree while I run a quick errand in town and if even one bee stings you by the time I return I will sell you the farm for half of what I am asking for it."
Thinking this was a sure way to save some money, the man quickly accepts the offer.
Returning from his errand the farmed is shocked to see the man slumped over in a terrible state. He runs to the man and quickly unties him.
"What happened?" asks the farmer. "Did one of those bees sting you?"
"No" the man gaspes, "but does that calf have a mother?"
|
| __________ |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 08:41:16 AM
i liked the first one the best. teeehhheeee....good one.
|
| {=HTG=} |
Posted - 10/16/2002 : 06:41:57 AM
LOL! The ferret one was great.
"Oh come on boy think-what would Jesus do? He'd shake his head like an angry mother Smoke the boy and said I did what I could do." DMB-Raven |
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 10/15/2002 : 11:31:51 AM
Here's more...
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder, puts it on the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the ferret and says, "Hey buddy, what's with the ferret?"
The guy says "I tell ya what pal, this ferret gives the best blowjob on the planet…'
The bartender looks at him and says "Get the fuck outta here and take your rat with you!"
The guy says "take the ferret in the back and if your not satisfied, I'm outta here…"
Ten minutes later the bartender comes out of the back room with the ferret, drops it on the bar and says "DAMN, that was the best blowjob I've ever had, I'll give you $500 for it."
The guy goes "Sorry pal, it's not for sale."
The bartender says "I'll go as high as $2000."
"SOLD", the guy yells, and walks out of the bar.
The bartender quickly closes up, grabs the ferret and heads home. When he opens the door to his house, his wife is standing in the kitchen, she says "what the hell is that?"
He passes the ferret to his wife and says "Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!"
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