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Fleabass76
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1026 Posts |
 Posted - 06/29/2002 : 11:12:38 PM
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who
dispenses advice
to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she
said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an
abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any
circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by
a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well
as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to
share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone
tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind
them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.
End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some
of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I
know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is
my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offence.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
Jack
"Women and rhythm section first."
Mr. Jaco Pastorius
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Saint Jude
Alien Abductee
USA
2144 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2002 : 11:23:44 PM
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HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA
that was great.
- Without you, without you everything falls apart
Without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces.
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2002 : 8:25:23 PM
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quote:
Should I smite them?
"You know, Homer......there is a lesson in this....the lesson is..."
"No! Don't tell me! The Lord is vengeful! Oh spiteful one!!....Tell me who to smite and they shall be smotten!!"
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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My_Bad_Side
Alien Abductee
2000 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2002 : 10:54:24 PM
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quote:
"You know, Homer......there is a lesson in this....the lesson is..."
"No! Don't tell me! The Lord is vengeful! Oh spiteful one!!....Tell me who to smite and they shall be smotten!!"
You know Patrick, I think your 400 GB brain has about 350 GB dedicated to quotes.
No one understands me. |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2002 : 10:56:18 PM
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Probably why he can't get off the short bus.
"I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are driving me crazy!!"
"Say something about pants!!"
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy          |
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Fleabass76
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1026 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2002 : 10:57:32 PM
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CANYONARRO!
"Women and rhythm section first."
Mr. Jaco Pastorius
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My_Bad_Side
Alien Abductee
2000 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2002 : 11:00:07 PM
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What does that mean?
I'm schizophrenic. And so am I. am I. am I. am I. |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2002 : 05:09:17 AM
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quote:
What does that mean?
What does what mean?
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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My_Bad_Side
Alien Abductee
2000 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2002 : 08:33:04 AM
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That.
I'm schizophrenic. And so am I. am I. am I. am I. |
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Fleabass76
Fluffy-Esque
USA
1026 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2002 : 3:08:26 PM
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Canyonarro? It's a great SUV that was endorsed by Krusty, and then later driven by Marge.
"Women and rhythm section first."
Mr. Jaco Pastorius
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2002 : 8:35:52 PM
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Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
smells like a steak and seats thirty-five..
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down,
It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!
Canyonero! (Yah!) Canyonero!
[Krusty:] Hey Hey
The Federal Highway comission has ruled the
Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
Canyonero!
12 yards long, 2 lanes wide,
65 tons of American Pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero! (Yah!)
She blinds everybody with her super high beams,
She's a squirrel crushing, deer smacking, driving machine!
Canyonero!-oh woah, Canyonero! (Yah!)
Drive Canyonero!
Woah Canyonero!
Woah!
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2002 : 8:37:54 PM
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And this one's for Fluffy!
Burns: Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...
See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.
See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,
Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.
Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,
So let's prepare these dogs,
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs,
Burns: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest.
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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Fluffy
Administrator
USA
10739 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2002 : 01:21:15 AM
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That thing makes me laugh out loud, even when it is only typed. I wasn't 2 lines into it before I started chuckling. My roommates probably think I am a nut. Oh wait, I am. HEHE Thanx pcbdmb!!
Shame on you Jason for not knowing Canyonero!! Shame Shame Shame, a plague on your house! j/k of course!! HEHE
Peace & Keep the Faith
Fluffy |
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enthuTIMsiast
Alien Abductee
6990 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2002 : 03:56:55 AM
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quote:
Shame on you Jason for not knowing Canyonero!! Shame Shame Shame, a plague on your house! j/k of course!! HEHE
Dude I don't even have a TV! And no cable when I was growing up, so I didn't even get the Simpsons then.  Ha, but I've caught plenty of reruns, and the Burns song was one of them...that IS a great one...
-what- |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2002 : 3:45:04 PM
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"No TV and no beer make Homer something something"
"Go crazy?!"
"Don't mind if I do!"
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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enthuTIMsiast
Alien Abductee
6990 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2002 : 9:24:03 PM
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That's ok, the senility should kick in any ....ahhhhhhhhh.....
-what- |
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pcbTIM
Alien Abductee
USA
6501 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2002 : 9:43:34 PM
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"Oh! I can't sleep! Rupert, do you have any valium on you? Oh that's right....you're living the clean life now."
"I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows." |
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Dr. Laura
